I Am Stronger Thanks To You

The last 6 months, I have had many high points and a few low points. I have learned so much about myself, my family, and most of all, my friends. I've nearly pulled my relationship to pieces at points, but mostly we have grown together in God and in love. I have doubted my self-worth and beauty until I didn't know who I was anymore. With the help of amazing friends that love me, I have come to realize that I am a strong, beautiful, God-fearing woman. 

Six months ago, I was torn to absolute pieces over some things my dad had said to me. I have been incredibly lucky to have such wonderful boyfriend to pick me up off the ground, set me back on my feet, dust me off, dry my tears, and promise the world to me. God has truly blessed me. Tyler has been there for me every time I have stumbled. He just wants me happy. The last few months have been hard not being able to see him whenever I desire to, or hold him when I just want to feel loved. The smallest things mean the absolute world to me now. Holding his hand or getting a kiss on the forehead are things that I get weak at the knees over now. Tuesday we will have been together for 2 years. I was looking forward to getting to go see him, but due to my car breaking down, we will be spending it an hour and a half away from each other.

Since Tyler left Waco, I got involved in a Bible study, which has now formed into "The Fellowship." These people are some of the most amazing, wonderful, genuine, God-fearing people you'll ever meet. I have cried in front of them and with them. They have taught me so much about myself. I can't even begin to describe how much they mean to me. We have lost a friend or two along the way, but we have also gained several friends. This group is like a family. We help each other out, give hugs, laugh, cry, talk, eat, hang-out together, and most of all fellowship together. God is going to use this group in incredible way, and I am so blessed to not only be apart of it but watch it all unfold. It's going to great and glorious.

I have an amazing family. God truly blessed me with some AWESOME people that love me no matter what. I still haven't spoken to my dad, partly because I'm hard headed, but mostly because I'm tired of getting hurt. I love that man no matter how much it hurts to admit that at times, but I won't be the first to make a move this time. He has to be. He's almost 50. It's time for him to grow up and realize what he's done and said was immature and wrong. Until then I pray for him and his new family. It's the best I can do.

Even though things have been difficult and this has been a really hard year, some really amazing things have come of it all. I know that Tyler and I will appreciate this time apart eventually. At the moment, I count the days til we see each other again and pray these next two years go by quickly!

"If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together...there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart, i'll always be with you." -Winnie the Pooh

Earthly Love VS. Heavenly Love

I love my Hosea 2 Sisters so much! They are a complete and total inspiration to me. In our meeting last Monday, I realized I am extremely needy. I possess three of the five love languages. This means if I do not receive words of affirmation, a gift, and quality time on a daily basis, I feel unloved.

"You cannot expect someone to love you the way only God can love you!" -Kim Millington

She is so wise and insightful! This is so true on so many levels though. How can I expect Tyler to do all 3 of those things for me EVERY single blasted day? I can't. Plain and simple. If he expected that from me, I'd burst into tears from the level of stress it would cause me. First of all, Tyler is 2 hours away so quality time is not exactly doable at the moment and technically neither is the gift thing. Words of affirmation...yes...but there are only so many things he can say to affirm me and so many ways to say each thing. Only God can love me like that. Only God can provide me with all 5 of the love languages on a daily basis.

I am such a needy child of God. I acknowledge this, and I am currently condemning myself for it. I am so blessed to have Tyler who is so patient with me and loves me for who I am...needy, full of baggage, and straight up Kray-Kray!!!

Tyler once told me read 1st Corinthians 13:4-7 and every time I read the word "love" to replace it with my name because that is how I love him. I cried so hard reading those words. that boy is everything I could ask for as far as a lover on Earth goes, but thankfully God loves me deeper and purer than any lover on Earth could ever love another.

No one can love me like God does.

I struggle with that so much, but I repeat it in my head numerous times a day so that I can calm down and remember Tyler loves me, he just can't love me that much. It's impossible. And reminding myself of that, has begun to make me realize that I am an amazing creation of God's and that's why no man on Earth could ever make me feel loved enough because God loves me more than humanly possible. I'm just that awesome!! ;)

No More Poor-Pitiful Me Games

I am going on week number 3 of not seeing Tyler! And let me be the first to tell you....THIS SUCKS!!! Then I will allow the people who have to deal with me on a daily basis tell you...THIS SUCKSSS!! I have let this whole thing get out of control, and I'm taking charge again. Normally I am happy, bubbly person who loves people, but lately sitting in my room alone and crying is who I have become.

I hate who I have become. I am depressing. Who wants to be friends with a depressing person? I miss Tyler. I get that. THE WORLD gets that. But instead of telling every person I come into contact with, "I miss my boyfriend!" I have got to start being the chipper person I once was. I have also become horrible to Tyler. I blow up his phone, I get mad over the silliest of things, and I question everything he says and does.
News Flash: I'm not his mother! I have to get a grip on myself before I lose this boy.


Last night I talked to Tyler's oldest sister's boyfriend for an hour about relationship stuff. Tyler and I aren't the only ones in a long distance relationship, and I have to remember that. Seth is living in Abilene while Lauren is in Dallas. Caleb is in North Carolina at seminary while Courtney is working for her dad in Irving. When I was talking to Seth last night, I realized some of the things Tyler and I are struggling with, Seth and Lauren have struggled with too.

A lot of my added stress has come from Tyler getting in some trouble and not being able to come see me, and  I don't have a car that is reliable enough to get me from Waco to Dallas and back. Honestly, it could probably make it, but I don't want to chance it. I have also been struggling with the fact that to me, Tyler shows no remorse for his actions, but Seth reassured me that Tyler has expressed to him how stupid and guilty he feels about it all.

I have also asked Tyler to stand up and be the spiritual leader in our relationship since that's what God calls him to do as the man. As I told Seth this, he let me know that he had struggles with Lauren and her walk with God. He said he thinks it's a "Vick thing." (That term, by the way, is a joke between Seth, Caleb, and I when we realize that all 3 of us have the same problem with our significant other.) Seth explained to me that his and Lauren's relationship hasn't been all sweet and rosy like I had thought. There had been thorns too.

Seth explained to me that the way he is approaching their long distance relationship is that he and Lauren are getting grow personally in their relationship with God and that they are able to serve each other through prayer. DING! DING! DING! HELLOOOOOOO!?! WHY HADN'T I LOOKED AT IT LIKE THAT BEFORE?!?!?! Oh right because I was caught up in feeling sorry for myself and making sure everyone around me either feels sorry for me too or suffers with me.

I can serve Tyler through prayer!! Seth encouraged me to have patience with Tyler as he begins to grow in Christ personally. I may have to be the spiritual leader in the relationship for a little while, but with prayer, patience, and me telling Tyler what God is doing in my life, he will get there. I have to encourage Tyler's walk. In order to do that, I have to stop playing the poor-pitiful-me game. Tyler won't be encouraged to continue his walk with God if every time he talks to me I'm whining and crying because he will look at me and think, "If God is working in her life, and she is still acting like this than I am better off doing me."

When I close this blog I will be saying a very long, heartfelt prayer to God. Asking for forgiveness and patience. Thanking Him for my life, for Tyler, my friends, my family, and the beauty of the world. Then I will become the spiritual leader in my relationship until Tyler can get it right. I am starting off with sending him the book Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships. I am going through the book right now, and I feel like it will really benefit our relationship. Then I am going to find a Bible study that Tyler and I can do together. All I ask is that you be in prayer for us while we make this ever difficult transition.

Lord of Empty Space

I am listening to the Tenth Avenue North station on Pandora. The song You Are is playing. He is singing, "Take me apart." I want God to take me apart. It's kind of convicting in a different way. How many times do I give everything to God, and just tell Him, "Here do with me as you please. Use me. Take me apart." Honestly, the saddest thing is I don't think I have ever said that. I need to be more open to God's Will for me, and not what I want for me. That is just so hard for me to grasp. I think it is hard for most of us, if not all of us to grasp, honestly.

Anyways, I finally finished Donald Miller's book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. Again, I am feeling incredibly convicted...to create a better story for myself. If someone looked at my life would they be impressed or bored? Seriously if someone looked at my life, they would probably tell me to stop using everyone around me as my excuse to hold back. I had to rephrase that. I almost said...to stop allowing people to hold me back...but that's not the case. No one is holding me back but myself, but I am using others as my excuse. I have to stop. I have to great a better story. Not for myself, but for others. For God. God would want me to live a better story so I can glorify His name in the process.

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." - Maya Angelou

When I was reading the book, you would have thought it was a text book and I was getting quizzed over it. I highlighted things that I thought I really need to focus on, and I took notes. I questioned myself, I wrote prayers to God asking Him to reveal things to me and help me create a better story, and interpreting what I had read. Miller says in his book, "Part of me wonders if our stories aren't being stolen by the easy life." I wonder the same thing. Am I so scared of change, of tears, of challenge that I am okay with living a boring, depressing life because that's what I am comfortable with and it's easy to maintain? I am not okay with this! And neither is God. I don't want a better story for testimony purposes or anything like that. I want a better story because I want to be ingrained in people's memories. 

"Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answers to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets before each individual."

I haven't figured out how I am going to create a better story, but I am going to do it. With God by my side what do I have to lose? Nothing too valuable. I'll keep you posted on how I'm going to create a meaningful story with my life! 

By the way, read that book. You can borrow it from me if you want. :)

We Are Friends Like Friends Should Be

In the recent months, I have made some new incredible friends. Not only are they my friends, but also my accountability partners, brothers and sisters in Christ, and my partners in crime. I have grown so much, spiritually, in the last few months thanks to this group. They are my Bible Study Buddies as Tyler refers to them.

These are the kind of people we should all be aiming to surround ourselves with. They just amazing Christian people that want to be loved like everyone else. We are all in different areas of our walk with God, but it is so amazing because the "baby Christians" are asking those of us who have been in our walks for awhile advice. And I know personally I feel energized watching them get excited about the Bible, Jesus, and God, I think its the same for the others as well.

"No man is the whole of himself; his friends are the rest of him." - Harry Emerson Fosdick

I recently have been struggling with the fact that most of the people who I have been calling my friends, may not really be my friends, or as good of a friend as I thought. It seems they only come around when it is convenient for them. I'm sorry, but I need people in my life who want to be apart of it ALL the time not just PART of the time. Don't get me wrong, I will always be there for those people because that's just my nature. It's next to impossible for me to give someone a total cold shoulder, but  need people who long to be apart of my life as much as I long to be apart of their's. I am amazed with how close I have become with these people in such a short amount of time. I honestly feel closer to them then I have with any other friends.

I was really worried about how Tyler would perceive my new friends once he finally met them. So when he came down to visit me, we hung out with a small group of them. He told me they were really awesome and fun. It's so warming to hear him tell me that because I honestly have never heard him say that to me about my friends. I think he could tell that I finally have some genuine friends. If I need a hand to hold, they are dropping everything to be that hand. In the past, I always felt like I was doing all the work. These relationships are definitely 50/50. I am so thankful these guys walked into my life when they did because I was about to be a lonely girl without my boyfriend. :)

My Sister & My Best Friend

My sister is my absolute best friend! She knows me better than I know myself at times. But it took a long time for us to become as close as we are. We used to despise one another. And occasionally we still do, but for the most part we are the only thing in each other's lives that makes the least amount of sense. I mean honestly, if we don't have each other than what do we have? A boring life that's for sure!

Dana is the insane part of my life and I LOVE it! We are the most annoying, hyperactive people when we are together...especially at concerts. We have no sense. We enjoy each other's company more than the actual event we are attending. We literally feed off of each other with our energy!

God blessed me with an amazing sister and the best friend a girl could ask for. She sees me at my best and loves me at my worst.

"Having a sister is like having a best friend you can't get rid of. You know whatever you do, they'll still be there." - Amy Li

That quote stands true for Dana and I. We know no matter what we have done, we can go to the other one and she won't judge you but take you into her arms and embrace you. My sister is my everything. I can't imagine what my life would be like without her. I always envied her growing up as kids, but now I realize she envied me probably just as much. She makes life that much more easier to live each day!!

This is my absolutely gorgeous sister!

One of my favorite pictures of us together...as adults!

This picture sums us up completely! 

"A sister smiles when one tells one's stories - for she knows where the decoration has been added." -Chris Montaigne

I will love her til the day I die!

The quotations I used, I found on quotegarden.com!

Dr. Phil

I know I know I've been gone too long!! I'm deeply sorry guys in all seriousness. Dana has been asking me when I'm going to write again and I keep telling her soon. In all honesty, I haven't been in mood. But today even though I feel like crap, I'm in the mood.

So I have been attending Thursday night Bible study pretty regularly, and I've made friends with most of the people there. Sara Beth, Rachal, and Laci have become my close friends over the last few weeks. They are amazing Christian girls lost in this crazy world too just trying to figure out their place. I feel closer to them already than I ever have with some of my friends I've had for years.

By the way I'm going to be jumping around a lot. I've made several self-discoveries in a few different areas the last couple of weeks.

In Bible Study one night, Kim's husband James made the comment that their goal as a couple is to be a "God fearing couple." I want to be a god fearing couple. I want my marriage to look like theirs. I told Kim yesterday her and James aspire me to better myself and are my role models for what a marriage should look like. Tyler and I both have strong relationships with God individually but as a couple we aren't as strong as I would hope after nearly 2 years in a relationship. Thankfully we have several years before marriage is even an option so we are able to work on growing in Christ together now.

Here's my last jump!!

The other day I came home on my lunch break to find my mom watching Dr. Phil for whatever reason. I honestly think the man is crazy. So as I was eating my lunch and not really watching to the bald headed fool on my TV, I overheard him say, " just because you forgive him, that doesn't mean what he's done was right, but as long as you still have anger towards him, he will be controlling your life." I turned to my mom and I said, "That's a great way to look at that." And she admitted she'd never thought of it like that. Now what I am referring to is my relationship with my dad. I'm not saying I'm going to pick up the phone today and tell him I forgive him because there are 20 years of fear built up in me of my dad. My dad is also not a very religious man, so forgiveness to him means he didn't do wrong so I would have to choose my words carefully. But it is definitely something I plan on doing in the near future. Just so I know I am living the way God wants me to. When I think about forgiveness, I always go back to Veggie Tales when they are learning how much you should forgive someone and they tell him 7 times 77 times. I love it! The numbers of eternity!!

Have a blessed day! :)

Hello 1:48 AM

Why the heck am I awake at this hour????!!!???
Well because my lovely mother and sister came home and do not know what inside voices are. Now I am wide awake. So how do I spend my time, you ask...by writing my long overdue blog. I know you've missed me and my cynics. Who doesn't? :)

The guys keeping me going tonight are my handy Big Red and the amazing FlipSides Pretzel Crackers! Yuuuummooo!

Anyways, I'm still working on that book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. (SERIOUSLY, it's a must read. DO IT! You will thank me later!!) But in the book a verse was mentioned that has been following me around all day.

When I see your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have put in their places;

What is man, that you keep him in mind? the son of man, that you take him into account?

Psalm 8:3-4

All day long I keep replaying those two verses in my head. Awe struck that I have never seen those words, so powerful, so awesome, so, so, so...for once in my life I don't even have words to describe it. I'm silenced by what is. My mouth is wide open, but nothing comes out because I am silenced by the Grace of God.

Who am I compared the rest of the beauty of this world that I am among that my God created. I am but a mere little spec in this big oh huge universe. God created it all. Sit there for a second let that one little sentence sink in. He created it all. Everything you see was created by the hands of our Lord. I say it again and again...What an awesome Father we have. So mighty and powerful. So detailed and intricate. No person is the same as the next. We are all different. What a creative being that is our God! 

Every night before I go to bed I take my rings off. There are five of them. They all look differently and each of their own meaning to me. 

The one on the farthest left is my James Avery Scrolled Ichthus Ring. Kristi and Kaylee gave that to me as my graduation from high school gift. Kaylee has the same ring since we are sisters in Christ.

The one above that the James Avery Heart Knot Ring that I received from my mom this past birthday.

The ring that is bent has blue sapphire stones in it, and I got it for my 15th birthday from Todd. It just recently bent, and I have no idea how. :(

The ring below that is a ring I got from my mom when I was 14 for Valentine's Day. The stone is in the shape of a heart. Mom, Dana, and I all have the same ring although I think I am the only one still wearing mine.

The last ring in the family of 5 is Tyler's purity ring. Now at this point you are probably freaking out, but it's not what you think. Tyler gave this ring to me as a promise that he and I would stay pure with each other. It no longer fits him, but the ring means so much to him that he gave it to me to wear. Originally I wore it on a necklace, but it feels better on my finger, and there it shall stay.

Just as listed all of my rings, their meanings to me, and how they came to be in my possession, God can do the same for us. It's remarkable how much God knows. He knows everything. He knows that I am struggling to find myself right now. But I know that with Him, I will find me. In fact I know I am on the right path. Our God is awesome. He simply amazes me day after day. Who am I compared to everything else He has created with His own two hands? I am just one of His trillions of children.

"If I have hope, its that God sat over the dark nothing and wrote you and me, specifically, into the story, and put us in with the sunset and  the rainstorm as though to say, Enjoy your place in my story. The beauty of it means you matter, and you can create within it even as I have created you."

Let's be honest for a second...I think Donald Miller just stole Nicholas Spark's spot as my favorite author. He is literary genius. I love the story he tells. It's the story I need to hear right now. A tragic love story is the last thing that my pour soul needs to read for one main reason, Tyler is no longer by my side. And by that I mean, long distance relationship. Sappy, tragic love story is not healthy for someone already having a hard time dealing with a new phase in their own relationship. But Donald Miller's book is brilliant! The things he is writing about are just what I need to be hearing and thinking about as I am going on my soul search. I am taking notes for a book that is not related to school. Ridiculous, I know, but it's helping.

God is great, mighty, and all knowing. He is the amazing creator of all things that are. :)

We are just lucky enough to be in His story.

Two is Better Than One

Gotta love Boys Like Girls & Taylor Swift!!

"So maybe it's true

That I can't live without you

And maybe two is better than one"

I couldn't have said it better! This is mine and Tyler's song. It's so cliche, but sadly I am an extremely cliche person. I don't mind, but most people do. Like I care. haha

I miss Tyler, but I know all of this is just God testing us. God is an amazing tester. He is constantly testing me, Tyler, our relationship, even you. I am honestly thankful He loves to test us so much. I helps me realize that God will never put me in a situation that I can't handle and that I am never alone. He is always beside me. And if He isn't beside me, He is holding me up. God is awesome and mighty. He is what every father should aspire to be. Always there for all of His children, unconditionally loving them, teaching them lessons, and healing them.

I found a quote on www.quotegarden.com earlier that I felt really applies to mine and Tyler's relationship at this moment:

Sometimes it is the person closest to us who must travel the furthest distance to be our friend.  ~Robert Brault

Tyler is the person closest and dearest to my heart. He now lives 2 hours away from me now. I don't mind the drive, but I mind the wait. I am the person that the whole way to go see I am in the car speeding as fast as I can down the highway, singing at the top of my lungs, and have the biggest smile on my face. I take my last exit and I am literally jumping up and down in my seat. I get nervous, start sweating, my smile gets bigger, and my singing gets louder. The people of Irving, Texas probably think I am a FREAK. I just love my boyfriend. He means the world to me. This separation is sure to be difficult, but the day we are living in the same city again...that's when it will all be worth it.

I am trusting in God that my life continues to be full of happiness and joy. I pray that it is with Tyler, too, but I know God has plans bigger than me, Tyler, and you. Like I said God is MIGHTY!

May God bless your life abundantly like He has for me! 

:)

When Life Hands You Lemons...Say God Bless

I have gotten into a horrible habit of saying, "My life is a joke." Or, "Welcome to My Life is a Joke Club where our motto is: God laughed when He created us." I can only imagine how God must feel when He hears me say something like that. I sound like an unappreciative, spoiled brat. Maybe I am. I am spoiled by the Grace of God, and I take for granted a lot. So I dislocated my shoulder reaching for a box at work...I'm sure in a few months I will laugh about it, but God caused me to get hurt for some reason. Maybe it's because I do sound very unappreciative and He's using my injury to open my eyes to that.

I started reading a book that Kim gave me for being in her wedding. The book is A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. This book is a MUST READ & I am only on Chapter 4!!! This book has got me really thinking.

"The saddest thing about life is you don't remember half of it. You don't even remember half of half of it. Not even a tiny percentage, if you want to know the truth."

How incredibly insane is that? So I got to thinking about everything I could remember from the last 20 years of my life. I remember celebrations, awards, major competitions, and the big, negative events. I remember my 13th birthday because my mom rented a hotel room for my friends and I. I also remember it because there was an indoor pool so we could go swimming and guess who started her period for the first time ever the day before the party and had to sit on the side all night...talk about traumatic. I remember my parents separating, the divorce, the 32 other weddings & divorces. I remember the last time I heard my dad's voice...he was yelling at me, and telling me how awful of a daughter I am. I remember the first time Tyler met my dad...he's the only boyfriend who's ever met him, and it was also the only birthday my dad had come home for in 5 years. I remember being at the airport every time to send Dad off, and having to stand there and not cry for Dana and RE, but behind my closed door later that day...bawling like a baby. I remember my 16th birthday being really difficult because Todd flew out for the first time that day. I remember all the cheer-tryouts and every epic fail. I remember sitting in the cold doctors office cringing after every word he spoke, my senior year, when he told me I should quit tennis before I tear my knee up to where it can't be fixed. I remember after every tournament having the biggest smile on my face from success, but dying inside because of the pain. I remember the day I turned down my scholarship to go to Kansas and play. I remember every breakup, my first kiss, my first date, the night I met Tyler, and the night I fell in love with him.

"Life has a peculiar feel when you look back on it that it doesn't have when you're actually living it."

As stood to the side and looked at all of these events and more...I realized that those events, no matter how traumatic, made me the strong, beautiful person I am today. Without those events, I would never have come to know God or been baptized with Kaylee, who is not only my best friend but in June 1999 became my sister in Christ. I wouldn't have matured so quickly or helped my mom  raise my sister and brother. If I had accepted that scholarship to go to Kansas to play tennis like I'd been dreaming about for years, I wouldn't have been at George's Bar & Restaurant on Thursday, November 19th, 2009 at 7:00 P.M. and met the man of dreams. I am so thankful God does these, "my life is a joke," moments to me because later on in life I am usually able to appreciate them more.

"You get a feeling when you look back on life that that's all God really wants from us, to live inside a body he made and enjoy the story and bond with us through the experience."

I am eternally thankful for all God has blessed me with. I have a mom, sister, and brother that love me and I adore as well, a few best friends that are there for me a the drop of a hat, a boyfriend that cherishes me, and a God that is so forgiving. I am working on forgiving some key people in my life right now. The main one I am having a hard time with is, you guessed it, Daddy. I forgive him, but I don't have the guts to tell him, and I can't forget all the wrong he's done. But God wants me to forgive Dad like God forgives me. Forgive, completely forget all the wrong & sins, and renew the trust. I'm working on it because I want to laugh at that event that I remember in 15 years from now.

But from now on, no more...."My Life is a Joke" cards because my life is not a joke but a mere concoction that the Lord has made and I should be thankful for it. :)

West, Texas: 43 Miles

PRAISE GOD!!!!! 

Guess who was able to take her internship...yes sirry Bob, that would be me! As of August 28th, I will the official intern for Children's Ministry at West Fist Baptist Church and I will have a Sunday School Class of 4 & 5 year olds. I will have a co-teacher in there since this is all new to me. But I don't care I'm just super excited!!


I'm kind of nervous because I don't really know many people at this church. Thankfully God blessed me with an outgoing personality so it won't be long until we all know each other. I can't wait to help Kim and work with her more closely than we have in the past. This woman is so gifted, strong, and loving. Who wouldn't want to work with her? (there were entirely too many "w's" used in that last sentence btw.)

I know God will do so many amazing things in my life with this internship and I am so excited to see how it all plays out. There is going to be a lot of sacrifices I will have to make, but I realize this and I know God won't hand me anything I can't handle.

Through Him all things are possible. If God is with me then who can be against me?

The weekend I start this internship is the weekend Tyler moves back to Dallas. So I sadly will not be apart of the move, but I know this is all in God's plan. Maybe God is giving me this internship to distract me from the emptiness and loneliness I am sure to face after Tyler leaves.

This last year and a half we have spent together has been amazing...difficult at some points...but truly a blessing in my life. I know that God will continue to bless us once we are two hours apart. God has a wonderful plan for us...I'm excited to see it unfold as well. This move is just another test that our relationship has to go through. As long as we are in it together, with God, our relationship will see no boundaries.

"True happiness is not found in any other reward than that of being united with God." -Thomas Merton


:)

In Need of That Pink Bubble

I am a Mary Kay Independent Beauty Consultant! And I absolutely LOVE my job. This is why I love everything about this company:

1. Mary Kay Ash advised us to put God first, family second, then our career. How many companies do you know advise you to put your family & God first? I can't think of a single one!!
2. This company is obviously based on Christian values- the best thing about that is I get to work with amazing Christian men and women.
3. I can work when I want and set my own schedule.
4. I get to pocket 50% of my sales...immediately.
5. What girl doesn't like to play with makeup?!

The women I have met in this company are some of the strongest, most gorgeous, faithful women I know. These women aren't just beautiful on the outside but the inside too. I love and respect them more than they know. I am completely amazed at how successful they are, and most of, so quickly. I aspire to be like them.

Unfortunately because of current job I am unable to make it to most of our weekly meetings for my unit, The Rising Stars, and schedule parties, facials, or makeovers. I miss being in "The Pink Bubble." I am one of the youngest in my unit, but they never make me feel as if I am. I am working on getting a new job so I can get back in the game, and be around all these gorgeous ladies!! Oh and I love the extra cash flow...if you know what I mean! ;)

So if you need makeup, a facial, a makeover, or want a reason for a party contact me! :) My website is...www.marykay.com/kjohnston41113

"Dare to risk public criticism." -Mary Kay Ash

Is she not gorgeous?! :)

I Am Loved!

"He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, And I realize just how beautiful You are, And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so Oh how He loves us, How He loves us so
He loves us, Oh how He loves us, Oh how He loves us, Oh how He loves.
We are His portion and He is our prize Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss And my heart turns violently inside of my chest I don't have time to maintain these regrets When I think about the way
And oh, how He loves us oh Oh how He loves us, How He loves us so
Yeah, He loves us, Oh how He loves us, Oh how He loves us, Oh how He loves."
-David Crowder Band     the lyrics were copy & pasted from http://www.onlylyrics.com/hits.php?grid=11&id=1034792 and at this website you can find the video too!


This song is so amazing, and it's so relative to the mess going on in my life. No matter what, no matter how bad the storm, how distant I've been, God loves me! 


This morning Kaylee, Makenzie, and I went to church at UBC. We pulled in the parking lot at 10 am, and nearly bailed because of the lack of cars in the parking lot and college aged students. God really wanted me to be there and hear that message though this morning. And I am so thankful we didn't bail.


Now we have all heard the story of Joseph with the colorful robe whose father adored him more than his older brothers. I had always looked at the story as sibling rivalry. This morning we approached the story differently. We looked at it from the other brothers's perspectives on how their father loved the Joseph more, and sort of neglected the others.


A child without a father's love is often a hurt, destroyed child. Why just the dad? Why not the mom? Because the mother bares us for nine months and gives birth to us. We know who she is, but fathers conceive us and can walk away before we have a chance to know them. They are a huge part of who we are, and we have the need to know who he is in order to know who we really are. Most issues kids have comes back to the lack of love expressed from the father. We have to remember that we are loved! And that love comes from the greatest Father ever!


As I was listening to the sermon this morning it was as if a light bulb went off in my head...I don't know who I am because I have never had that close relationship with my dad. Until recently I knew in the back of my head he loved me, but now I have every doubt in my mind that he does love me. I know it seems crazy...every parent has an unconditional love for their children...I wish I still believed that. In mine and Dana's case, R.E. is Joseph, adored by our father and the world knows it. Although I do not resent my brother for this and neither does Dana. We actually encourage the relationship.


Part of my reason for not knowing who I am, comes from my lack of relationship with my dad. This lack of relationship does not come from me though, mind you. For the last 20.5 years I have worked my butt off to be a daughter that my dad admires and loves and speaks of highly & often. After 20.5 years, I realized that our relationship can go no further if both people aren't willing to put forth as much effort as the other. I got tired of all the excuses, broken promises, and lies a month and a half ago. I stood up to my dad. The man I absolutely adored, for no reason other than every little girl needs to know the love of her daddy, decided I was ungrateful and brainwashed and wanted nothing more to do with me.


I have to remember even though I do not know the love of my earthly father, I still have the chance to know, learn, and grow in the love of my Heavenly Father. My God is so amazing, and truly loves me unconditionally. I am going to read a little deeper into the story of Joseph of course, but in order to find myself I just need to grow spiritually with my God. I don't need my dad to learn who I am. 


I also have the chance to not make the same mistake in my own children's lives. I refuse to allow my children to not know the love of their earthly father, but they will grow deep in the spirit of God as well. My children will know they are loved, and my husband will spend all his time encouraging them, nurturing them, cheering them on, and loving them unconditionally. 


My prayer for all of those in a similar situation as me is this:
May God take the image of an unholy and wreck less father away and replace it with the image of Our Spiritual Father who loves you and is always there for you. Amen.

Coffee is Always Better Over Good Conversation

Let me just state....I LOVE ME SOME KIM ROBERTS-MILLINGTON!!
Kim is a good friend of mine that I met my first semester of college. She attempted with her whole heart to start and keep a college ministry at the church I had grown up in. We took our Sunday School Class out of the church so we could try to get others outside of my church to join. We met every Sunday at IHOP, and attempted to have a bible study. Most Sundays it was just Kim and I so we would literally just talk about life, love, school, our past, our future, God...we covered it all. Kim became my friend & mentor. She inspired me to better myself, and not allow myself to be like my parents.

Kim and I laughed, cried, shared stories, held each other, prayer with and for each other, and just fellowship in God together. After my first semester, Kim didn't have the time or energy with working several other jobs to keep up with a ministry that was unsuccessful. So our weekly meetings, turned into not as often but over coffee or dinner as often as possible. We remained close through texting and facebooking.

In April, Kim got married, and asked me to be apart of her wedding. I was so excited that she wanted me to be apart of her big day. Her life since she got married has been chaotic, as well as mine so we have not seen each other. So yesterday when I received a text from her asking for coffee today, I was ecstatic!

This morning we met at Starbucks and talked for an hour about her life since marriage, being a mom of two kids, how she is adjusting, how they are adjusting, and my life. We had sooooo much to catch up on. Kim also invited me to come intern under her at West First Baptist and be a Sunday School teacher for 4 & 5 year olds. The catch is I have to get a new job. I am more encouraged than ever to find a Monday through Friday job so that I am able to do this. Kim was so excited about the idea of me serving God in that way with her.

My day has been absolutely successful in getting that much closer to figuring out who I am outside of my sister and brother. I am more determined than ever to continue this heart and soul search. It's bringing me closer to my family, friends, God, and even Tyler. Continue praying for me because this is just the beginning of my struggle...R.E. hasn't even his senior year yet.

And This Is Why My Trunk Be Thumpin'

The CD that has been blasting through the speakers of my car the last several days was made by Makenzie! And this is why I love it and what it contains:
Track 1- Hey Soul Sister by Train
Track 2- You Smile by Justin Bieber (on a side note & for the record I'm not a fan of the Biebs, but Kenz is)
Track 3- Super Bass by Nicki Minaj (I can rap this song like no other)
Track 4- Roll With It by Easton Corbin
Track 5- Can't Be Tamed by Miley Cyrus (we can't be tamed)
Track 6- Live Like There's No Tomorrow by Selena Gomez
Track 7- Glad by Tyler Hilton (he's a hottie & that raspy voice gets me every time!)
Track 8- Come Home to Me by The Biebs, again
Track 9- Good Kind by The Wreckers (I love these girls!)
Track 10- Marry Me by Train
Track 11- Common Denominator by, you guessed it, J.B. (lame song title haha)
Track 12- Taking Chances by Celine Dion (although I think this version is by the Cast of Glee)
Track 13- Guinevere by Eli Young Band (this song describes me better than anyone knows)
Track 14- With You by Jessica Simpson
Track 15- Fireworks by Katy Perry
Track 16- So Are You to Me by EastMountainSouth
Track 17- Chances by Five for Fighting
Track 18- Who Says by Selena Gomez (the song that reminds me I AM B-E-A-U-TIFUL)
Track 19- Realize by Colbie Callait
Track 20- Good Life by One Republic

A great mixture of music & my bestie made it...what more could I ask for?!

She is absolutely gorgeous from the inside out & I am so blessed to call her my friend. And my best friend at that. She has been a blessing in disguise from the night I met her until now. I love her to pieces and can't imagine going through life without her. She holds a HUGE place in my heart! :)

I love you, Makenzie! I know you are reading this!! :)

BFFL :)

I Wouldn't Want to be Anybody Else

I had a huge breakthrough on my self discovery this past week. Thursday I began struggling with my relationship with Tyler. I had been seeing that whole day my two best friends being flirted with two obnoxiously cute guys, and them giggling and being happy. I wanted someone to give me attention like that. Now let me reiterate, Tyler gives me lots and lots of attention. The thing I was struggling with that day is watching two new couples falling for each other. I missed the way Tyler and I acted when we first began to date. Kaylee and Makenzie were absolutely amazing. They knew when to ask questions and talk to me, and when to just let me sit in silence.

Thursday night I got a text from Makenzie that said this,
"In order to get anywhere you always have to know that in order to get further in life you have to remember the good times and bad. Because in the end you have to be happy, and sometimes we forget that. We need to create and remember our own happiness so we can pick up the pieces we feel are shattered."

That text alone was truly inspiring to me, and really got me to thinking about my life in general. Although all weekend, I kept struggling with my relationship with Tyler. Trying to decide if I was truly happy, and if I wasn't, if I was willing to fix it or pick up and move on. I mean I'm only 20 years old for goodness sake. Tyler and I met when we were 18. Who meets their life-long partner at 18? I was just so confused. I watch my sister who has never had a boyfriend live such a carefree life, Kaylee who recently broke-up with her boyfriend of two years just make it through life as if that happened years ago, and Makenzie who hadn't been in a relationship in a year and a half living life for herself and her family.

The other thing I was struggling with was some self-esteem issues. I have had them as long as I can remember, but as long as I have been with Tyler I haven't had to worry about them. The last few months as mine and Tyler's relationship had been struggling, I began to have a low self-esteem again. No matter how much makeup I pile on and how long I spend on my hair, I look in the mirror and see the total opposite of who I actually am. Anyone who knows me thinks the is absolutely absurd, I know. Tyler got mad because I was struggling with this. He didn't understand if he was telling me all the time that I am pretty why I would have any doubts that I'm not.

Tyler came home after a long weekend in Dallas with one of his friends last night, and we talked about some things I was struggling with. By the end of the night, I felt like myself again, and I began to feel beautiful again. So this morning on my way to work I'm listening to the cd that Makenzie made for me over the weekend, and Selena Gomez's new song "Who Says" comes blasting through my speakers.
"Who says you're not perfect, Who says you're not worth it...Who says you're not pretty, Who says you're not beautiful."
The biggest smile arrived on my face as I am listening to the lyrics of this song. Why am I concerned with how anyone else views me? They have just as many flaws as me. I should never start doubting my appearance because my relationship isn't going the way I would like. I am gorgeous and if someone can't see that, well who are they to judge...they are just a diamond in the rough too. :)

Warning: Rated M for Mature Audiences

First of all, I can't wait til we get a modem for the Internet at this house. Writing my blog on my phone is getting almost impossible and waiting til I get to Tyler's is awful as well because I just want to spend time with him when I'm there not sit on the computer. Okay, all complaining aside...well about that at least. HA!

So bad day #4 in a row was yesterday, and it was in all seriousness my breaking point. Crying 3 times yesterday was not only annoying me but pissing me off. I seriously wanted to look at myself and say, "Hey! STOP acting like a baby. No one wants to see a 20 year old woman have a breakdown in her car on her lunch break! GROW UP!!"

And here's the story as to why I cried, in my car, in the parking lot of work, on my lunch break...
I am an organized, everybody needs to be on some type of schedule person. Chaos, disorganization, clutter, and scatterbrained-ness drives me up a WALL! I am OCD, ADHD, and a perfectionist. I constantly give myself deadlines and usually have every second of my day planned. So when something goes wrong, I usually do one of several things: I freak out, have an anxiety attack, or get mad. Yesterday I had a combination of all 3 happen to me. My team lead is the most unorganized, off-schedule, scatterbrained person I have ever met. After two years of working with her I have learned to not let it bother me as much, and ignore her as much as possible. I know probably not the most professional thing to do, but you have to be unprofessional sometimes with people that are unprofessional themselves. Yesterday she gave me a deadline to get a project done. I had just over two and a half hours to do it. I could have done had I not gotten cut an hour, and she had actually been doing HER job rather than yelling down aisles for me to her job. My deadline was impossible to make.
Reason number 2 that broke down: I received a text message from my younger cousin that said she had a picture of my sister, brother, and I, and both of our parents, and asked if I wanted it. Then five minutes later text me saying that she had a picture of just my parents together. My parents were married just less than 10 years. In my possession, I do not have a picture of either one of those scenerios. That's not why I started crying though. I started crying because I am not on good terms with my dad. In fact, I am not on any terms with my dad. I haven't spoke to him in nearly two months. He's getting married in October, and my sister and I aren't invited. I hate him so much. As a Christian, I realize that this is extremely sinful and I am just getting on his level by hating him, but no father should ever talk to his daughters the way he did. I used idolize my dad. What little girl doesn't? These days my sister and I avoid conversations in which we might actually have to answer questions about him.

Today has been a good day. So today I am starting over, and it marks Good Day #1.

My verse of the day...take it as you may! :)
My son, keep my words and treasure up my commandments with you; keep my commandments and live; keep my teaching as the apple of your eye; bind them on your fingers; write them on the tablet of your heart. Proverbs 7:1-3

Baby Got Back!

Tyler and I have been dating a year and a half. We have had our ups and downs. But I....I have had more downs than ups. Dysfunction has my family's name all over it. Most guys would have said adios to me the first time I walked into their apartment with mascara running down my face and crying so hard words aren't an option. I'm an ugly crier. There is no denying it. But time and time again, Tyler embraced me and waited until I could calm down enough to explain to him what had happened.
Today, I had my first bad day in 49 days, and that amazing boy was there to squeeze my hand and calm me down. I was angry and saying words a Christian girl shouldn't say, but I couldn't help it. I was so tired of getting treated like crud.
Now you are probably wondering...how do you know 49 days ago was your last bad day? Good question! 49 days ago, the man I looked up to and adored for the last 20 years decided to say some really awful things to my sister and I and walk out of our lives. I hate him more and more everyday. He is my weakness so hating him is better than allowing myself to be okay with what he said that day. The word, "dad," makes me want to throw up. He's no more of a father to me than the hobo on the interstate. He's a greedy man who cares more about women than the people who love him the most. So 49 days ago, I realized that Tyler isn't as much like my dad as I thought.
Tyler would never speak to someone like that for one. Two, that boy has a heart. He loves his family and friends to pieces and everyone can see that. Thirdly, he is man of God. He may not go to church every Sunday, but he is working on bettering himself with Christ. Tyler is there for me when I need him. When I fall, he picks me up. And when I am full-on UGLY crying...he's trying to start a tickle fight so I'll smile. I am so blessed and amazed that this guy walked into my life. I'm not sure why he's stuck around for so long, but I'm beginning to see...it's because he truly wants to be the shoulder I lean on!

the boy that holds my heart :)

Beware of Racoons

Friday night started out as a movie night with Kaylee, Dana, & Makenzie. Funny story...the T.V. never got turned on. That's the wonderful thing about girlfriends!

When Kaylee and Makenzie arrived Dana was making cupcakes for work the next day while I was sitting in the kitchen keeping her company. Once I finally got the girls to calm down enough, we decided to order a ton of appetizers from George's (a local Waco favorite...Pat Green sings about it this "bar" in one of his songs). Dana's friend Leeigh Ann came over so the two of them ran to get the food while Kaylee, Makenzie, and I goofed around. The picture above is of the chalkboard in our entry way. We have racoons around our house so I decided warning everyone of them was a bright idea. My mom thought warning everyone of the non-existent wolves was hilarious, and Kaylee thought she would add her two cents. Makenzie and I took pictures while she ate Dana's Red Velvet Cake batter.

We had a long night of talking, eating, laughing, and picture taking. It was good to have so much fun with such little entertainment. I think my mom was pleased with how much fun we were having we she got home from work later that night. Not to mention she was excited about the food we had gotten, and helped herself to it. I went to bed early (11:30) since I had to work the next day, but Kaylee and Makenzie stayed talking with Dana til well after 1 am. I absolutely love these girls!!

Dana's amazing cupcake creations! :)

[re]UNITED & it feels so good

These are some of the pictures we took on our adventure today!

my best friends and I (Makenzie, Kaylee, & Dana)

my sissy & I 

ENJOY! :)

Look at Me NOW!

If Waco could any more WACKO well we would have a serious predictment. This morning Dana, Kaylee, and I mat at Starbucks at an insanely early hour...9:45 to be exact...for some coffee while we waited for Makenzie to get out of class. We ended up heading downtown to finish our wait after finishing our drinks. As we are playing on the railroad tracks a black man starts to yell at us and wave us down. Being that we are 3 young, attractive, white girls in what some might call the ghetto we raced to our vehicles. I then realized the man was probably yelling at us because there was a train coming, but we judged him by his ethnicity and the clothes he was wearing as a creeper.
Once we met up with Makenzie we had a blast taking pictures. Although we didn't take as many pictures as I would have liked, we just enjoyed each others company and giggling like school girls. Those are my best friends. I honestly have no idea where I would be without them. They have been there for me through stuff most people would never understand. Dana has ben there since 1 year 2.5 weeks, Kaylee has been there for the last 14 years or so, and Makenzie has been here for almost a year now. Being with these 3 amazing gorgeous, strong-willed girls gives me hope and they make me laugh. Laughing burns calories so God knows we need to do lots of that since we eat every time we are together! I will post pictures soon of today as soon as I edit them. :)

Winning Others Over

As I previously mentioned, one of my top 5 strengths is woo. In Strengths Finder 2.0 the author Tom Rath states, “Woo stands for winning others over. You enjoy the challenge of meeting new people and getting them to like you.” That statement is so true for me. I want to be likeable. I desire to get along with everyone. I continued reading that chapter, and realized something that I had never been really comfortable with about myself. I have my best friends, a small close group of people I know I can always rely on, past that I have acquaintances. These are people that I have met through life's journey, I usually refer to them as my friends, but the relationship never ventures out past a coffee or lunch date. I am beginning to realize, I am okay with that.
Sunday night I went out with some of my closest friends. This group included my amazing boyfriend Tyler, my childhood best friend Kaylee, and my two newest friends that have been blessing my life, Matt and Makenzie. We had so much laughing, talking, taking pictures, and just enjoying each others company. I am so incredibly blessed that these people, who didn't know each other this time last year, have come to know and love each other just as I have come to know and love them.  After dinner I realized, that woo truely is one of my strengths. So what if I don't have 600 friends...okay so on facebook I am getting close to that, but as I said most of those are people I have met on my journeys. I am determined to use my woo to it's complete advantage!

When One Door Closes Another Always Opens

I have come to realize over the last month or two...I actually have no idea who I am. I tried to define myself and realized I can't even do that. And I will tell you why...


For the last, roughly, 12 years I have helped my mom raise my younger sister and brother. Although we are all only a year apart, I took on the role as a young child of playing "mommy." I am now realizing since my sister and brother are now 18 and 19, big sister isn't needed so much. Mind you, my mom has already come to the realization of this and accepted it...I just can't quite grasp the idea. My ADORABLE brother will be a senior in the fall, and my sister will be a college sophomore. Needless to say, they are raised. And my constant running over to pick them up, dust them off, dry their tears, and hold their hands is not wanted, appreciated, or needed anymore. Yeah, that's a hard one to down...for me at least.


I am also struggling with my next big step. As a student at a junior college entering my third year, this would be my major, what school I will be going to, where I will live, if I will have roommates, and how I will afford it all. My delimna is...I don't know what I want to major in anymore therefore I don't no where I will be transfering to. For someone who plans everything, this does not sit easy with me. I've always known what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. For the first time in my life, I'm lost and don't know where to turn.


I recently visited my great-aunt in Austin. She gave me a book to read called, Strength Finder 2.0. As humans, most of the time, we are so focused on our weaknesses and we can improve them that we lose sight on what our actual strengths are. This book, with the help of an online quiz, helps you pick out your 5 strengths, defines those strengths, and gives you ways to help capitalize on those strengths. I am loving every minute of this book actually. My 5 strengths are communication, input, restorative, strategic, and woo. This book is helping raise my confidence and learn things about myself. I am so encouraged to use it!


For the first time in 9 months, I find myself under my mom's roof again. I am trying to transition back into a mode where I have to check in, let her know where I will be, and if I will be home that night. I have decided to take the next semester or two off from school. This is potentially pushing my graduation date a year to 2 years back, but I am okay with this. I need some self discovery time. I honestly believe that success is not measured on the money you make, the cars you drive, or the house you live in, but whether you enjoy it and can wake up and face yourself the next day.


I plan on devoting a lot of time to God during this time of self discovery because a person cannot truly discover themselves if they don't know what they are looking for. I know as long as God is by my side, I will have focus and He will know my destination.


I am excited and nervous about it all, but I know the Lord would never lead me into a dark room blind and alone. I also have the best friends a girl could ask for and the love of an amazing man.


I leave you with this, my favorite verse...
Commit everything you do to the LORD. Trust him, and he will help you. - Psalm 37:5