I hope he reads this blog one day only to find out the kind of self-destructive path he has helped me create, and left me mend by myself. I'm not even sure how I can still refer to him as a dad or why, for that matter. Sitting here now with great anxiety building inside me as RE's graduation quickly approaches, and realizing the major possibility that my dad will be there. For the duration of this post, and probably blog, I am going to refer to him as Douglas (his middle name). He and my sister have the same first name so it would get too confusing.
My parents divorced when I was 8. I knew it was coming. When your parents separate twice in one summer, you know it's coming. Naturally, with this being Texas, Mom got custody. Thank God! I'd probably would be some hellion child if it wasn't for that woman. When I was 12, Douglas left to go work overseas as a contractor for a private company just a few months before my 13th birthday. In the mean time, he was working on his second marriage since my mom left. (long story, I won't get into) Needless to say, he missed my 13th birthday. Mom rented a hotel room for my friends and I, and I think she did it to keep me happy because she knew it was going to be a hard birthday. For the next 5 years, Douglas missed every birthday. He wasn't home to celebrate a birthday with me again til I was 19. We shared my 19th & 20th together. And he missed my 21st. He not only missed it...he ignored it. No email, text, letter, or phone call. No attempt to wish me a happy birthday. For a girl, 13th and 16th birthdays are a big deal, but for a woman...21st is a huge deal. I spent the evening of my 21st birthday walking Baylor's campus crying with Taylor. COOL!
He missed 2 boyfriends. He finally met Tyler on my 19th birthday. Douglas has missed the last 8 Valentine's Days, 7 Father's Days, 6 of the last 7 Christmases & Thanksgivings, 2 proms, 3 first kisses, my first date, the purchase of my first car, moving into my own place, and so much more.
The one thing he missed that hurts more than any of those other things...he missed my high school graduation. That's something that I can't do again. That was a huge point in my life, and he missed it. He wonders why I have so much discontent towards him, and why I can't look him in the face, I've blocked him from Facebook, he doesn't know where I live, have my cell phone number, or I haven't tried to apologize...it's because of all of this. I never did anything to hurt him. I'm not in the wrong. I am right. I have every right to be mad and hurt. All of this is why I have had nothing to do with him for a year. I hope he's happy where ever in the world he is. But I guarantee he's not. He's a sad old man who wants to be a child again and uses money to get his way when he no longer knows what to do.
All I have to say is...SUCKS TO SUCK!
Monday, April 30, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
Back To School So I'm Not A Fool
After taking the last year off of school to figure out who I am and allow my family life to become normal again, I am going back to school in the fall. And let me tell you......I AM SO EXCITED!
Yeah I'm a nerd, and I am proud of it. Mostly, I'm watching fellow classmates graduate already and I am nowhere close it feels like at the moment. So I'm just ready to get back into the swing of things and prove to everyone, I'm not a beauty school drop-out! haha! I'm kidding. I wouldn't be caught dead in beauty school.
I'm ready to get my teaching degree and leave Waco. Start teaching somewhere and get my Master's in Childhood Ministry. I can't wait to impact kids lives in an amazing way. They are who's going to be taking care of us and teaching our kids in the future so it's our job to impact them in a positive way.
I am so glad I started this blog almost a year ago. It's been a tough year no doubt. And I guarantee I wouldn't be who I am today without all those trials and tribulations. I am so thankful God put me through those and helped me through them.
My next test is at RE's graduation. Sperm Donor....I apologize....Douglas....again sorry, I need to be nice....my dad will be there. We have had no communication with each other since the same time last year. I'm not going to lie, I am terrified! I made Brooke take off work so she can go with me. Tyler and I are trying to figure out how he can be there. I need my support system more than ever right now. I am so blessed to have them.
BE BLESSED! :)
BE BLESSED! :)
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
My Mom is Better Than Your Dad
For the first time since Tyler and I started dating, I stayed home for Easter. And Tyler came in town. I could tell my mom was super excited about it when we were discussing everything the Sunday before. And to be honest I was too. I love Tyler's family, but my family doesn't even begin to compare. They are mine. I love everything about them. I went and bought Easter eggs, candy, and baskets for the 6 "kids." It was my first hunt in probably a decade. Not gonna lie. Mom had planned this huge lunch for all of us too. And my aunt and uncle who live in New York were home. My mom's big brother. It was really nice to see her so happy. All three of her kids, my boyfriend, my step-dad, her parents, her sister & family, and her brother & wife all together at HER home for Easter. It was good for me to be home with MY family.
Today I got a text from my mom expressing her love for us three kids. If I hadn't been working when I got that I probably would have cried, instead I smiled. I love my momma. She is awesome.
So I started the whole "soul search" because I was confused as to who I am. I finally broke it down to, I have to get over my daddy issues. But today I realized, how do I have daddy issues when the greatest dad a kid could have was my momma?
Once again, I was watching How I Met Your Mother when I discovered this. I'm not going to go into anything about the episode, but it made me realize...
My mom was both parents to me, almost my entire life. I was 18 and already in college is when I finally started developing a relationship with my dad. And I was 20 when he broke my heart, shattered every idea I had of him, and disowned me. My mom raised me. And I helped her raise those two amazing kids that are my siblings. They are my entire world. I have no idea what I would do without those kids. But most of all, what I would do without my amazing momma!
Only since last summer have my mom and I really started to have a friendship. I was never a rebellious child, but if you looked at mine and my mom's relationship you would probably assume that. I barely talked to her, when I did it was usually negative and rude, I avoided her like the plague, I swore I knew everything better than she did, and for some odd reason I usually favored my dad over her.
The part that I was missing is my mom was home every night at a reasonable hour, made or helped us make dinner, worked 40 hours a week, went to every little league practice and game we had, every PTA meeting, luncheon & breakfast, every play, skit, or band competition, also trying to manage a marriage, and two step-kids. Ummm hello...where's the super mom award? Not to mention she was a mom to all of our friends as well. Everyone wanted to hang out at our house and have parties at our house because my mom was awesome. When I went to Thailand after graduation, my best friend Traci & my boyfriend at the time went and hung out with my mom a few times just so she wasn't completely alone. It was the first time since she was 21 that she was completely alone for a week. No husband and no kids. I can't imagine how that much have felt for her. But she made it through. She was a trooper.
Now after I have lost touch with most of my friends from high school, they still see my mom out in public and they give her a hug like there is no lost time. She was the town mom. And the best one at that. I remember there being around 30 teenage kids in that house at one point and time, and the only complaint she had was that we were too loud as she washed all those dishes. That was her only complaint actually. We were too loud. To this day, my friends and I still get in trouble for being too loud. But I always laugh and apologize. What else can you do?
Now all of us are moved out, but every Sunday we still get together at Mom's for dinner. And we hang out and watch TV til we start to leave one-by-one. I always feel bad leaving her at the end of the night. But you know what, maybe after 20 years of kids being too loud, she's finally enjoying her little house all alone with her dog and a glass of wine.
Yeah who am I kidding...she's immediately in the spare room cleaning up after my brother staying there that weekend. But does she complain? Well yeah a little, but she loves it. She just loves us kids. And all I can ever hope for is to be half as cool, loving, and absolutely amazing as my mom when I have kids. She is such a strong and empowering individual and I am so blessed to call her my mom.
So daddy issues set aside. My mom is awesome. I just have to continue building this amazing relationship with her, and I'll find myself in no time.
:) See ya on the flip side, mi amigos!
Today I got a text from my mom expressing her love for us three kids. If I hadn't been working when I got that I probably would have cried, instead I smiled. I love my momma. She is awesome.
So I started the whole "soul search" because I was confused as to who I am. I finally broke it down to, I have to get over my daddy issues. But today I realized, how do I have daddy issues when the greatest dad a kid could have was my momma?
Once again, I was watching How I Met Your Mother when I discovered this. I'm not going to go into anything about the episode, but it made me realize...
My mom was both parents to me, almost my entire life. I was 18 and already in college is when I finally started developing a relationship with my dad. And I was 20 when he broke my heart, shattered every idea I had of him, and disowned me. My mom raised me. And I helped her raise those two amazing kids that are my siblings. They are my entire world. I have no idea what I would do without those kids. But most of all, what I would do without my amazing momma!
Only since last summer have my mom and I really started to have a friendship. I was never a rebellious child, but if you looked at mine and my mom's relationship you would probably assume that. I barely talked to her, when I did it was usually negative and rude, I avoided her like the plague, I swore I knew everything better than she did, and for some odd reason I usually favored my dad over her.
The part that I was missing is my mom was home every night at a reasonable hour, made or helped us make dinner, worked 40 hours a week, went to every little league practice and game we had, every PTA meeting, luncheon & breakfast, every play, skit, or band competition, also trying to manage a marriage, and two step-kids. Ummm hello...where's the super mom award? Not to mention she was a mom to all of our friends as well. Everyone wanted to hang out at our house and have parties at our house because my mom was awesome. When I went to Thailand after graduation, my best friend Traci & my boyfriend at the time went and hung out with my mom a few times just so she wasn't completely alone. It was the first time since she was 21 that she was completely alone for a week. No husband and no kids. I can't imagine how that much have felt for her. But she made it through. She was a trooper.
Now after I have lost touch with most of my friends from high school, they still see my mom out in public and they give her a hug like there is no lost time. She was the town mom. And the best one at that. I remember there being around 30 teenage kids in that house at one point and time, and the only complaint she had was that we were too loud as she washed all those dishes. That was her only complaint actually. We were too loud. To this day, my friends and I still get in trouble for being too loud. But I always laugh and apologize. What else can you do?
Now all of us are moved out, but every Sunday we still get together at Mom's for dinner. And we hang out and watch TV til we start to leave one-by-one. I always feel bad leaving her at the end of the night. But you know what, maybe after 20 years of kids being too loud, she's finally enjoying her little house all alone with her dog and a glass of wine.
Yeah who am I kidding...she's immediately in the spare room cleaning up after my brother staying there that weekend. But does she complain? Well yeah a little, but she loves it. She just loves us kids. And all I can ever hope for is to be half as cool, loving, and absolutely amazing as my mom when I have kids. She is such a strong and empowering individual and I am so blessed to call her my mom.
So daddy issues set aside. My mom is awesome. I just have to continue building this amazing relationship with her, and I'll find myself in no time.
:) See ya on the flip side, mi amigos!
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