I love my Hosea 2 Sisters so much! They are a complete and total inspiration to me. In our meeting last Monday, I realized I am extremely needy. I possess three of the five love languages. This means if I do not receive words of affirmation, a gift, and quality time on a daily basis, I feel unloved.
"You cannot expect someone to love you the way only God can love you!" -Kim Millington
She is so wise and insightful! This is so true on so many levels though. How can I expect Tyler to do all 3 of those things for me EVERY single blasted day? I can't. Plain and simple. If he expected that from me, I'd burst into tears from the level of stress it would cause me. First of all, Tyler is 2 hours away so quality time is not exactly doable at the moment and technically neither is the gift thing. Words of affirmation...yes...but there are only so many things he can say to affirm me and so many ways to say each thing. Only God can love me like that. Only God can provide me with all 5 of the love languages on a daily basis.
I am such a needy child of God. I acknowledge this, and I am currently condemning myself for it. I am so blessed to have Tyler who is so patient with me and loves me for who I am...needy, full of baggage, and straight up Kray-Kray!!!
Tyler once told me read 1st Corinthians 13:4-7 and every time I read the word "love" to replace it with my name because that is how I love him. I cried so hard reading those words. that boy is everything I could ask for as far as a lover on Earth goes, but thankfully God loves me deeper and purer than any lover on Earth could ever love another.
No one can love me like God does.
I struggle with that so much, but I repeat it in my head numerous times a day so that I can calm down and remember Tyler loves me, he just can't love me that much. It's impossible. And reminding myself of that, has begun to make me realize that I am an amazing creation of God's and that's why no man on Earth could ever make me feel loved enough because God loves me more than humanly possible. I'm just that awesome!! ;)
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
No More Poor-Pitiful Me Games
I am going on week number 3 of not seeing Tyler! And let me be the first to tell you....THIS SUCKS!!! Then I will allow the people who have to deal with me on a daily basis tell you...THIS SUCKSSS!! I have let this whole thing get out of control, and I'm taking charge again. Normally I am happy, bubbly person who loves people, but lately sitting in my room alone and crying is who I have become.
I hate who I have become. I am depressing. Who wants to be friends with a depressing person? I miss Tyler. I get that. THE WORLD gets that. But instead of telling every person I come into contact with, "I miss my boyfriend!" I have got to start being the chipper person I once was. I have also become horrible to Tyler. I blow up his phone, I get mad over the silliest of things, and I question everything he says and does.
News Flash: I'm not his mother! I have to get a grip on myself before I lose this boy.
Last night I talked to Tyler's oldest sister's boyfriend for an hour about relationship stuff. Tyler and I aren't the only ones in a long distance relationship, and I have to remember that. Seth is living in Abilene while Lauren is in Dallas. Caleb is in North Carolina at seminary while Courtney is working for her dad in Irving. When I was talking to Seth last night, I realized some of the things Tyler and I are struggling with, Seth and Lauren have struggled with too.
A lot of my added stress has come from Tyler getting in some trouble and not being able to come see me, and I don't have a car that is reliable enough to get me from Waco to Dallas and back. Honestly, it could probably make it, but I don't want to chance it. I have also been struggling with the fact that to me, Tyler shows no remorse for his actions, but Seth reassured me that Tyler has expressed to him how stupid and guilty he feels about it all.
I have also asked Tyler to stand up and be the spiritual leader in our relationship since that's what God calls him to do as the man. As I told Seth this, he let me know that he had struggles with Lauren and her walk with God. He said he thinks it's a "Vick thing." (That term, by the way, is a joke between Seth, Caleb, and I when we realize that all 3 of us have the same problem with our significant other.) Seth explained to me that his and Lauren's relationship hasn't been all sweet and rosy like I had thought. There had been thorns too.
Seth explained to me that the way he is approaching their long distance relationship is that he and Lauren are getting grow personally in their relationship with God and that they are able to serve each other through prayer. DING! DING! DING! HELLOOOOOOO!?! WHY HADN'T I LOOKED AT IT LIKE THAT BEFORE?!?!?! Oh right because I was caught up in feeling sorry for myself and making sure everyone around me either feels sorry for me too or suffers with me.
I can serve Tyler through prayer!! Seth encouraged me to have patience with Tyler as he begins to grow in Christ personally. I may have to be the spiritual leader in the relationship for a little while, but with prayer, patience, and me telling Tyler what God is doing in my life, he will get there. I have to encourage Tyler's walk. In order to do that, I have to stop playing the poor-pitiful-me game. Tyler won't be encouraged to continue his walk with God if every time he talks to me I'm whining and crying because he will look at me and think, "If God is working in her life, and she is still acting like this than I am better off doing me."
When I close this blog I will be saying a very long, heartfelt prayer to God. Asking for forgiveness and patience. Thanking Him for my life, for Tyler, my friends, my family, and the beauty of the world. Then I will become the spiritual leader in my relationship until Tyler can get it right. I am starting off with sending him the book Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships. I am going through the book right now, and I feel like it will really benefit our relationship. Then I am going to find a Bible study that Tyler and I can do together. All I ask is that you be in prayer for us while we make this ever difficult transition.
I hate who I have become. I am depressing. Who wants to be friends with a depressing person? I miss Tyler. I get that. THE WORLD gets that. But instead of telling every person I come into contact with, "I miss my boyfriend!" I have got to start being the chipper person I once was. I have also become horrible to Tyler. I blow up his phone, I get mad over the silliest of things, and I question everything he says and does.
News Flash: I'm not his mother! I have to get a grip on myself before I lose this boy.
Last night I talked to Tyler's oldest sister's boyfriend for an hour about relationship stuff. Tyler and I aren't the only ones in a long distance relationship, and I have to remember that. Seth is living in Abilene while Lauren is in Dallas. Caleb is in North Carolina at seminary while Courtney is working for her dad in Irving. When I was talking to Seth last night, I realized some of the things Tyler and I are struggling with, Seth and Lauren have struggled with too.
A lot of my added stress has come from Tyler getting in some trouble and not being able to come see me, and I don't have a car that is reliable enough to get me from Waco to Dallas and back. Honestly, it could probably make it, but I don't want to chance it. I have also been struggling with the fact that to me, Tyler shows no remorse for his actions, but Seth reassured me that Tyler has expressed to him how stupid and guilty he feels about it all.
I have also asked Tyler to stand up and be the spiritual leader in our relationship since that's what God calls him to do as the man. As I told Seth this, he let me know that he had struggles with Lauren and her walk with God. He said he thinks it's a "Vick thing." (That term, by the way, is a joke between Seth, Caleb, and I when we realize that all 3 of us have the same problem with our significant other.) Seth explained to me that his and Lauren's relationship hasn't been all sweet and rosy like I had thought. There had been thorns too.
Seth explained to me that the way he is approaching their long distance relationship is that he and Lauren are getting grow personally in their relationship with God and that they are able to serve each other through prayer. DING! DING! DING! HELLOOOOOOO!?! WHY HADN'T I LOOKED AT IT LIKE THAT BEFORE?!?!?! Oh right because I was caught up in feeling sorry for myself and making sure everyone around me either feels sorry for me too or suffers with me.
I can serve Tyler through prayer!! Seth encouraged me to have patience with Tyler as he begins to grow in Christ personally. I may have to be the spiritual leader in the relationship for a little while, but with prayer, patience, and me telling Tyler what God is doing in my life, he will get there. I have to encourage Tyler's walk. In order to do that, I have to stop playing the poor-pitiful-me game. Tyler won't be encouraged to continue his walk with God if every time he talks to me I'm whining and crying because he will look at me and think, "If God is working in her life, and she is still acting like this than I am better off doing me."
When I close this blog I will be saying a very long, heartfelt prayer to God. Asking for forgiveness and patience. Thanking Him for my life, for Tyler, my friends, my family, and the beauty of the world. Then I will become the spiritual leader in my relationship until Tyler can get it right. I am starting off with sending him the book Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships. I am going through the book right now, and I feel like it will really benefit our relationship. Then I am going to find a Bible study that Tyler and I can do together. All I ask is that you be in prayer for us while we make this ever difficult transition.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Lord of Empty Space
I am listening to the Tenth Avenue North station on Pandora. The song You Are is playing. He is singing, "Take me apart." I want God to take me apart. It's kind of convicting in a different way. How many times do I give everything to God, and just tell Him, "Here do with me as you please. Use me. Take me apart." Honestly, the saddest thing is I don't think I have ever said that. I need to be more open to God's Will for me, and not what I want for me. That is just so hard for me to grasp. I think it is hard for most of us, if not all of us to grasp, honestly.
Anyways, I finally finished Donald Miller's book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. Again, I am feeling incredibly convicted...to create a better story for myself. If someone looked at my life would they be impressed or bored? Seriously if someone looked at my life, they would probably tell me to stop using everyone around me as my excuse to hold back. I had to rephrase that. I almost said...to stop allowing people to hold me back...but that's not the case. No one is holding me back but myself, but I am using others as my excuse. I have to stop. I have to great a better story. Not for myself, but for others. For God. God would want me to live a better story so I can glorify His name in the process.
Anyways, I finally finished Donald Miller's book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. Again, I am feeling incredibly convicted...to create a better story for myself. If someone looked at my life would they be impressed or bored? Seriously if someone looked at my life, they would probably tell me to stop using everyone around me as my excuse to hold back. I had to rephrase that. I almost said...to stop allowing people to hold me back...but that's not the case. No one is holding me back but myself, but I am using others as my excuse. I have to stop. I have to great a better story. Not for myself, but for others. For God. God would want me to live a better story so I can glorify His name in the process.
"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." - Maya Angelou
When I was reading the book, you would have thought it was a text book and I was getting quizzed over it. I highlighted things that I thought I really need to focus on, and I took notes. I questioned myself, I wrote prayers to God asking Him to reveal things to me and help me create a better story, and interpreting what I had read. Miller says in his book, "Part of me wonders if our stories aren't being stolen by the easy life." I wonder the same thing. Am I so scared of change, of tears, of challenge that I am okay with living a boring, depressing life because that's what I am comfortable with and it's easy to maintain? I am not okay with this! And neither is God. I don't want a better story for testimony purposes or anything like that. I want a better story because I want to be ingrained in people's memories.
"Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answers to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets before each individual."
I haven't figured out how I am going to create a better story, but I am going to do it. With God by my side what do I have to lose? Nothing too valuable. I'll keep you posted on how I'm going to create a meaningful story with my life!
By the way, read that book. You can borrow it from me if you want. :)
We Are Friends Like Friends Should Be
In the recent months, I have made some new incredible friends. Not only are they my friends, but also my accountability partners, brothers and sisters in Christ, and my partners in crime. I have grown so much, spiritually, in the last few months thanks to this group. They are my Bible Study Buddies as Tyler refers to them.
These are the kind of people we should all be aiming to surround ourselves with. They just amazing Christian people that want to be loved like everyone else. We are all in different areas of our walk with God, but it is so amazing because the "baby Christians" are asking those of us who have been in our walks for awhile advice. And I know personally I feel energized watching them get excited about the Bible, Jesus, and God, I think its the same for the others as well.
These are the kind of people we should all be aiming to surround ourselves with. They just amazing Christian people that want to be loved like everyone else. We are all in different areas of our walk with God, but it is so amazing because the "baby Christians" are asking those of us who have been in our walks for awhile advice. And I know personally I feel energized watching them get excited about the Bible, Jesus, and God, I think its the same for the others as well.
"No man is the whole of himself; his friends are the rest of him." - Harry Emerson Fosdick
I recently have been struggling with the fact that most of the people who I have been calling my friends, may not really be my friends, or as good of a friend as I thought. It seems they only come around when it is convenient for them. I'm sorry, but I need people in my life who want to be apart of it ALL the time not just PART of the time. Don't get me wrong, I will always be there for those people because that's just my nature. It's next to impossible for me to give someone a total cold shoulder, but need people who long to be apart of my life as much as I long to be apart of their's. I am amazed with how close I have become with these people in such a short amount of time. I honestly feel closer to them then I have with any other friends.
I was really worried about how Tyler would perceive my new friends once he finally met them. So when he came down to visit me, we hung out with a small group of them. He told me they were really awesome and fun. It's so warming to hear him tell me that because I honestly have never heard him say that to me about my friends. I think he could tell that I finally have some genuine friends. If I need a hand to hold, they are dropping everything to be that hand. In the past, I always felt like I was doing all the work. These relationships are definitely 50/50. I am so thankful these guys walked into my life when they did because I was about to be a lonely girl without my boyfriend. :)
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