5 Minutes of Slow Death

Yesterday morning, I woke up and decided, "No more tomorrows, today I start getting in shape again." So, I drank a glass of water, ate a banana and some low fat crackers, turned my iPod on, and attempted to work out.

I attempted...yes I say attempted to have a 15 minute workout. I had a 5 minute workout and thought I was dying. 1 minute high knees, 1 minutes jumping jacks, 1 minute front kicks, 1 minute jumping jacks, & 1 minute running in place. I know. That's sad.

I use to be an athlete believe it or not. I'd run 3 to 5 miles five days a week along with 4 to 8 hours of tennis around 6 days a week. I wasn't anything spectacular. I had a killer serve and my backhand was better than my forehand, most tennis players can't say that. The forehand is just more natural. I loved to run. Run, run, run.

My senior year I injured my knee. I played some of my best tennis that year and ran some of my fastest miles during that time. I believe it was all the medicines and circulation cutting knee braces I wore in all honesty. No pain, no gain.

When I graduated, I stopped running because I was hurting so much and I didn't play tennis as much because there was no time for it anymore. Now I look back and think about that girl and wonder where her passion went.

I was in shape, adventurous, loved to exercise, ate right, didn't drink sodas, and knew what I was doing (and if I didn't, I acted like I did). She had attitude and spunk. Now I'm so laid back and my attitude is mostly a negative one.

I'm determined to be that delightful, healthy girl again. So Friday, I go get a gym membership. I had my last soda yesterday, and all the crap I sit around and snack on, I'm throwing in the trash. I'm going to stop hating my big legs and fall in love with them again.

They say a good workout will change your attitude for the whole day. That means I'll be waking up earlier to get my workout in before the day begins so I can start it off positively.

Plus Tyler looks AWESOME. And I want to look great too! So here's to getting healthy and in shape again!

Be blessed! (drink a Big Red for me will ya?)

Wedding Overkill

I already had a slight obsession with weddings and then sometime last week I began to use Pinterest.

All I have to say is thank you to the creator(s) of the wonderful website. Now in 8 years when I actually get engaged and start planning my wedding, I won't have much work to do because I've already picked out my dress, the colors, Save the Dates, invitations, and much much more.

Dana thinks I am insane. And I think Tyler does to. I got so excited showing Dana everything the other day. As if Tyler and I were engaged. Yeah right. I'll wait. No rush here.

Funny right?! For someone who loves everything about weddings to say she'll wait?! Am I crazy? No. Okay maybe a little. But I'm young!!

Tyler and I met and started dating when we were 18. We were fresh out of high school and never expected that we would be dating who we are going to marry. I mean seriously, who does that? Apparently us.

Anyways, I'm barely 21 and Tyler isn't even there yet (yes I'm older & I make sure he remembers that! Haha). I still need to graduate with my bachelors and get into grad school or seminary, whichever I chose. Tyler wants to be a fireman. We have goals we still want to accomplish before we start a family. Plus studies are showing the leading cause of divorce is young marriage. 65% of those who wait til they are 26 have a lasting marriage.

I hate statistics, but that's one statistic I keep listening to. My parents married young and look what happened to them. My mom was my age when she had me. A year later out popped my sister and a year after that, a baby boy arrived. 6 years later they were filing for divorce after only 9 years of marriage. Although Tyler and I have already dated probably twice as long as they did before they got married and started having kids, I still feel like we have a lot of maturing to do individually and as a couple.

Plus, I know our wedding won't be as easy as I've made it on Pinterest. Tyler and I are going to butt heads the whole way through. I want small, he wants big. I want to get married in Waco, he wants Dallas. He wants 7 groomsmen, I don't know 7 people to be my bridesmaids. Plus, I have to pay for it all. My mom said she would help, but with my dad out of the picture completely, it's going to have to be a cheap wedding.

All I know is I'm going to be a basket full of tears that day. I can picture my brother walking me down that aisle with Dana and Taylor standing there making stupid faces on one side and Tyler on the other smirking like an idiot, and my mom and Todd standing to the side to say they are giving me away. It's going to be perfect.

But until then I keep planning every little detail on Pinterest until its perfect and cheap!

Happy pinning! ;)

And be blessed!!

And the Truth Comes Out

So I'm not one to lie or tell a story, I won't send you on a quest and then you come to find out, there was no quest. As most of you know, I'm fasting right now. I am also supposed to be reading the book, A Call to Die, by David Nasser along with my 40 day fast. Now my fasting is going pretty well. I have yet to social network...high five. I have text some, but I realized that occasionally I sort of have to but it's definitely not an obsession for me anymore so that's good. Now here comes the truth, although I am doing awesome with my fasting, I actually can't tell you off hand what day I am on because I haven't read in awhile I did great for the first week and a half and then I had an off day and I've never gotten back on track. I haven't picked up the book other than to move it around my house actually since that day. I haven't read or even tried to catch up. I've decided that I'll ride this fast out and when my life gets back to little bit normal pace I'll try the book again. Right now, I can't focus on anything to save my life. I'm not making excuses. I know that I should be doing this fast and sticking to the book but I just can't for some reason right now. I don't think that makes me any less Christian than the others 10-12 girls who are doing this book right now and sticking to it. I just don't do good with chaos. And right now my life is chaos.

Dana and I moved into our house together at the first of January we are still unpacking, painting, organizing, getting bills put in our names, and all that type of stuff. Then there was my 21st in January. And Dana's 20th was 2 weeks later. Tyler was here for Dana's birthday then I went up to Dallas for Valentine's Day. I am also back up to 40 hours a week at work and we have family dinner every Sunday evening. Tyler's 21st is March 6th so I'm going up there the following weekend to be with him. Then my uncle who lives in New York and whom I never see will be home for Easter and Tyler will be meeting him. Oh and my brother graduates from high school in 90 days so I am trying to get his bedroom cleaned out and painted and ready for him. Cool. Now you see the chaos?

That's not even mentioning Tyler's sister Courtney is moving to North Carolina so Tyler is moving in with his parents until he gets a place for himself. In the mean time they have to sell the house Tyler and Courtney have been living in and store all of the furniture in that house somewhere. Tyler quit his job and has to find a new one. He's still taking a class at North Lake so he can finally get his diploma. And his family is planning on taking a trip to see Courtney this summer. Yeah that's a lot to take in. Not to mention I found most of that out plus some in one night. Whew. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

Last month, I also I had to deal with my dad being home on leave. Dana and I become robots during this time, and we are antsy about everything, we bite people's heads off for no reason, and we are nervous wrecks worried we will run into him or he'll come looking for us. Now let me clear something up real quick, my dad has NEVER physically harmed my sister or I. That man however has made two strong, beautiful women hate themselves for who they are. We are better now with the Grace of God and some amazing family and friends. We pray for him daily that he might come to know Christ and see that we don't think we are holier than thou and we are not whores. I have not spoken to him in 9 months and I honestly could care less to hold a conversation with him. I miss my dad very much, but I do not miss being talked to like I am scum. I am worth so much more than that. I had to deal with the hurt and pain of what happened last May again when my dad was back. I broke down crying. I want so badly for my dad to think as highly of me as he once did, but I realize that the reality of that happening is not likely. My dad did not wish me a happy birthday this year and it liked to kill me.

Again and again, it is preached before Dana and I that we are to let God be the only One we seek approval from. That He is to be our Father. And again and again, we say wow that's nice. But we have such a hard time living our lives that way. It's taking us awhile, but I think we are getting through it and we are beginning to live that way. I wake up every morning and thank God I have such an amazing sister to walk by my side. She gives me hope that we are going to be okay and something great is to come of all of this.

Dana and I are so excited to share our home with our little brother. We pray that he will be encouraged by our walks with Christ and he will want to know the Lord more and deepen his walk as well. He is an amazing kid and I am absolutely thrilled to watch God work through him.

I can't wait to restart that book but I know right now is just not good timing for me. I will continue to pray and encourage the other girls but I can not do something that my heart is not completely in. And my heart isn't completely there right now because it's in 90 other places.

Be blessed! :)

How Great Thou Art!

Wow how selfish am I? I would rather feel guilty later for a decision I made than feel uncomfortable now by denying to do something to people around me. In other words, I want to do what I want and break God's heart. Not cool!

John 3:16- For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, so whoever believes in Him, should not perish but have eternal life.

God loves ME so much that He gave His one and only Son to die for ME?! How wonderful! Also it's very condemning and eye opening. I am not worthy of such an opportunity to be rewarded with walking alongside my Creator for the rest of eternity. I sin and make excuses for those sins. I am a broken, ruined, mess of a child but God is willing to forgive, heal, and fix me. What a gracious God we have!
He had His only Son die for me!
WOW!
For ME?!
Little old small town girl.
Yeah that's right, He loves me that much. He's not a selfish God at all.

It's been brought to my attention, by my gracious Father, that I spend time in the Word not as a tool like He has provided for me to use it, but more so as a way to impress people. I use my knowledge not to grow more intimately with Christ, but to make people think I am a scholar when it comes to the Bible. Don't be mistaken, I know quite a bit about the Bible and it's teachings, but I am no Scholar that's for sure. God supplied me with this miraculous Tool to answer questions of my own and others' and to build a stronger, more faithful relationship with Him. I should use it accordingly.

As I am feeling condemned and slightly more broken than I have in a very long time, I lie here counting my blessings that I have such an amazing Father. A God that loves me that much. He is forgiving and powerful and mighty. He will fix me and heal me. But first I have to be willing to open my heart and be fixed. So I open my heart, and endure the pain I must undergo before I can be fixed.

For God so loved the world...

Dying to My Own Selfish Desires

So as most of you already know I am fasting for 40 days beginning this past Friday, February 3rd. I am fasting from social networking and texting of all persons excluding Tyler. I have chosen those things because I am rather addicted to them. They are the things I do when I am "bored." I have better things I could be doing like cleaning, painting, organizing, spending time with God, but I choose to sit on my fat butt, text people to death, blow up twitter randomly, or stalk people until I know everything about them. Yeah it's a problem!

Even worse is that because I am denying myself time with the Holy Spirit, I am denying myself of a more intimate relationship with my Father. And after all, isn't that what my soul search is all about? Learning more about my Father so that I can learn more about myself? Or have I forgotten about Him and my need for a more intimate relationship, for my own selfish desires?

And if the texts, tweets, and stalking aren't enough to ignore God, I have a HUGE problem with daydreaming. I honestly spend countless hours a day dreaming about my future wedding and children, what kind of house I will live in, car I will drive, if Tyler will be the man I marry, if not what that man might look like, how he might act, what a future church built by me might look like, mine and Tyler's current relationship, and all kinds of useless, not Christ-like junk. If someone could look in my head and see some of the meaningless stuff I think about all day they probably wouldn't think I'm headed down the path to be a minister, much less that I'm a Christian.

I have also gotten quite a bit of a mouth on me within the last year or two. And I'm not just talking about being loud because Lord knows I've always been a loud child. Old habits die hard. And new habits die harder. I have begun, hmmm not really begun because I've been doing this awhile, I have gotten worse about cursing. Cursing because I'm mad, upset, frustrated. Cursing because of the people I am with or around. Cursing just to curse. Those words make me sound ignorant like I am not an intelligent, educated woman, but they also make me sound hypocritical and that I don't have a heart for Christ. I am not trying to be cocky with what I am about to say, but...I am a strong, intelligent, educated, beautiful woman of God, but when I speak those words I am sound just like the inmate who has been in and out of jail his whole life so much so that he did not receive an education.

I am called to be more Christ-like by God, and to do so I must die to my own selfish desires. Doing so is going to be hard. God never said it would be easy. Especially in our society where everything is believed to have an easy way out...and if it doesn't then that easy way out is to give up. God had asked me to do some pretty difficult things before, and if He hadn't I wouldn't think He loved me. God is harsh with me. He never lets me have an easy way out or a get out of jail free card. God is a gracious be-ing, but He is not a pushover. This road is going to be long and hard but at the end of this journey I know I will be well rewarded so I won't try to take any shortcuts because there are none. They are all dead ends. There is a reward at the end of this road, and I intended fully to receive the entire prize not just a portion for good effort.

See you on the flip side! :)

Preparation for a Feast

For the next 40 days will be enduring a journey with 13 other woman from the ages of 17 to 30. This journey is a fasting from something or things that may be taking our eyes off God or from spending time with Him. Some are giving up things like secular music or guys in a romantic way. I am giving up Social Networking and texting.

I think I belong to every major social networking website right now not to mention a few small ones available only to those who have an iPhone like Instagram. It's sort of an obsession of mine. I love finding new ways to communicate with people I've lost touch with over the years, but in the mean time I'm spending all this time "catching up" or "stalking" people that I'm not keeping in touch with God.

In the same way I'm kind of obsessed with texting. I looove to text. If I'm bored I text people that I'm pretty sure will reply within a reasonable amount of time. Now right now my relationship with my boyfriend is sort of centered around our ability to text one another. Unfortunately we are in a long distance relationship and between our two crazy and hectic schedules there is almost no time left in the day to talk on the phone. We also only see each other once a month for the most part. That being said I will continue to text Tyler but everyone else will just have to wait to get a reply from me. :)

Last night as I was spending time with God and in the Word, I ran across this passage...
"And when you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, anoint your head, and wash you face, that your fasting may not be seen by others but by your Father in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.
-Matthew 6:16-18
I wrote the passage down on a bright yellow note card I've pinned on the wall above my desk to remind me to be full of gratitude as I take this journey. Starting tomorrow I will blog every day about what the Lord reveals to me.