Warning: Rated M for Mature Audiences

First of all, I can't wait til we get a modem for the Internet at this house. Writing my blog on my phone is getting almost impossible and waiting til I get to Tyler's is awful as well because I just want to spend time with him when I'm there not sit on the computer. Okay, all complaining aside...well about that at least. HA!

So bad day #4 in a row was yesterday, and it was in all seriousness my breaking point. Crying 3 times yesterday was not only annoying me but pissing me off. I seriously wanted to look at myself and say, "Hey! STOP acting like a baby. No one wants to see a 20 year old woman have a breakdown in her car on her lunch break! GROW UP!!"

And here's the story as to why I cried, in my car, in the parking lot of work, on my lunch break...
I am an organized, everybody needs to be on some type of schedule person. Chaos, disorganization, clutter, and scatterbrained-ness drives me up a WALL! I am OCD, ADHD, and a perfectionist. I constantly give myself deadlines and usually have every second of my day planned. So when something goes wrong, I usually do one of several things: I freak out, have an anxiety attack, or get mad. Yesterday I had a combination of all 3 happen to me. My team lead is the most unorganized, off-schedule, scatterbrained person I have ever met. After two years of working with her I have learned to not let it bother me as much, and ignore her as much as possible. I know probably not the most professional thing to do, but you have to be unprofessional sometimes with people that are unprofessional themselves. Yesterday she gave me a deadline to get a project done. I had just over two and a half hours to do it. I could have done had I not gotten cut an hour, and she had actually been doing HER job rather than yelling down aisles for me to her job. My deadline was impossible to make.
Reason number 2 that broke down: I received a text message from my younger cousin that said she had a picture of my sister, brother, and I, and both of our parents, and asked if I wanted it. Then five minutes later text me saying that she had a picture of just my parents together. My parents were married just less than 10 years. In my possession, I do not have a picture of either one of those scenerios. That's not why I started crying though. I started crying because I am not on good terms with my dad. In fact, I am not on any terms with my dad. I haven't spoke to him in nearly two months. He's getting married in October, and my sister and I aren't invited. I hate him so much. As a Christian, I realize that this is extremely sinful and I am just getting on his level by hating him, but no father should ever talk to his daughters the way he did. I used idolize my dad. What little girl doesn't? These days my sister and I avoid conversations in which we might actually have to answer questions about him.

Today has been a good day. So today I am starting over, and it marks Good Day #1.

My verse of the day...take it as you may! :)
My son, keep my words and treasure up my commandments with you; keep my commandments and live; keep my teaching as the apple of your eye; bind them on your fingers; write them on the tablet of your heart. Proverbs 7:1-3

Baby Got Back!

Tyler and I have been dating a year and a half. We have had our ups and downs. But I....I have had more downs than ups. Dysfunction has my family's name all over it. Most guys would have said adios to me the first time I walked into their apartment with mascara running down my face and crying so hard words aren't an option. I'm an ugly crier. There is no denying it. But time and time again, Tyler embraced me and waited until I could calm down enough to explain to him what had happened.
Today, I had my first bad day in 49 days, and that amazing boy was there to squeeze my hand and calm me down. I was angry and saying words a Christian girl shouldn't say, but I couldn't help it. I was so tired of getting treated like crud.
Now you are probably wondering...how do you know 49 days ago was your last bad day? Good question! 49 days ago, the man I looked up to and adored for the last 20 years decided to say some really awful things to my sister and I and walk out of our lives. I hate him more and more everyday. He is my weakness so hating him is better than allowing myself to be okay with what he said that day. The word, "dad," makes me want to throw up. He's no more of a father to me than the hobo on the interstate. He's a greedy man who cares more about women than the people who love him the most. So 49 days ago, I realized that Tyler isn't as much like my dad as I thought.
Tyler would never speak to someone like that for one. Two, that boy has a heart. He loves his family and friends to pieces and everyone can see that. Thirdly, he is man of God. He may not go to church every Sunday, but he is working on bettering himself with Christ. Tyler is there for me when I need him. When I fall, he picks me up. And when I am full-on UGLY crying...he's trying to start a tickle fight so I'll smile. I am so blessed and amazed that this guy walked into my life. I'm not sure why he's stuck around for so long, but I'm beginning to see...it's because he truly wants to be the shoulder I lean on!

the boy that holds my heart :)

Beware of Racoons

Friday night started out as a movie night with Kaylee, Dana, & Makenzie. Funny story...the T.V. never got turned on. That's the wonderful thing about girlfriends!

When Kaylee and Makenzie arrived Dana was making cupcakes for work the next day while I was sitting in the kitchen keeping her company. Once I finally got the girls to calm down enough, we decided to order a ton of appetizers from George's (a local Waco favorite...Pat Green sings about it this "bar" in one of his songs). Dana's friend Leeigh Ann came over so the two of them ran to get the food while Kaylee, Makenzie, and I goofed around. The picture above is of the chalkboard in our entry way. We have racoons around our house so I decided warning everyone of them was a bright idea. My mom thought warning everyone of the non-existent wolves was hilarious, and Kaylee thought she would add her two cents. Makenzie and I took pictures while she ate Dana's Red Velvet Cake batter.

We had a long night of talking, eating, laughing, and picture taking. It was good to have so much fun with such little entertainment. I think my mom was pleased with how much fun we were having we she got home from work later that night. Not to mention she was excited about the food we had gotten, and helped herself to it. I went to bed early (11:30) since I had to work the next day, but Kaylee and Makenzie stayed talking with Dana til well after 1 am. I absolutely love these girls!!

Dana's amazing cupcake creations! :)

[re]UNITED & it feels so good

These are some of the pictures we took on our adventure today!

my best friends and I (Makenzie, Kaylee, & Dana)

my sissy & I 

ENJOY! :)

Look at Me NOW!

If Waco could any more WACKO well we would have a serious predictment. This morning Dana, Kaylee, and I mat at Starbucks at an insanely early hour...9:45 to be exact...for some coffee while we waited for Makenzie to get out of class. We ended up heading downtown to finish our wait after finishing our drinks. As we are playing on the railroad tracks a black man starts to yell at us and wave us down. Being that we are 3 young, attractive, white girls in what some might call the ghetto we raced to our vehicles. I then realized the man was probably yelling at us because there was a train coming, but we judged him by his ethnicity and the clothes he was wearing as a creeper.
Once we met up with Makenzie we had a blast taking pictures. Although we didn't take as many pictures as I would have liked, we just enjoyed each others company and giggling like school girls. Those are my best friends. I honestly have no idea where I would be without them. They have been there for me through stuff most people would never understand. Dana has ben there since 1 year 2.5 weeks, Kaylee has been there for the last 14 years or so, and Makenzie has been here for almost a year now. Being with these 3 amazing gorgeous, strong-willed girls gives me hope and they make me laugh. Laughing burns calories so God knows we need to do lots of that since we eat every time we are together! I will post pictures soon of today as soon as I edit them. :)

Winning Others Over

As I previously mentioned, one of my top 5 strengths is woo. In Strengths Finder 2.0 the author Tom Rath states, “Woo stands for winning others over. You enjoy the challenge of meeting new people and getting them to like you.” That statement is so true for me. I want to be likeable. I desire to get along with everyone. I continued reading that chapter, and realized something that I had never been really comfortable with about myself. I have my best friends, a small close group of people I know I can always rely on, past that I have acquaintances. These are people that I have met through life's journey, I usually refer to them as my friends, but the relationship never ventures out past a coffee or lunch date. I am beginning to realize, I am okay with that.
Sunday night I went out with some of my closest friends. This group included my amazing boyfriend Tyler, my childhood best friend Kaylee, and my two newest friends that have been blessing my life, Matt and Makenzie. We had so much laughing, talking, taking pictures, and just enjoying each others company. I am so incredibly blessed that these people, who didn't know each other this time last year, have come to know and love each other just as I have come to know and love them.  After dinner I realized, that woo truely is one of my strengths. So what if I don't have 600 friends...okay so on facebook I am getting close to that, but as I said most of those are people I have met on my journeys. I am determined to use my woo to it's complete advantage!

When One Door Closes Another Always Opens

I have come to realize over the last month or two...I actually have no idea who I am. I tried to define myself and realized I can't even do that. And I will tell you why...


For the last, roughly, 12 years I have helped my mom raise my younger sister and brother. Although we are all only a year apart, I took on the role as a young child of playing "mommy." I am now realizing since my sister and brother are now 18 and 19, big sister isn't needed so much. Mind you, my mom has already come to the realization of this and accepted it...I just can't quite grasp the idea. My ADORABLE brother will be a senior in the fall, and my sister will be a college sophomore. Needless to say, they are raised. And my constant running over to pick them up, dust them off, dry their tears, and hold their hands is not wanted, appreciated, or needed anymore. Yeah, that's a hard one to down...for me at least.


I am also struggling with my next big step. As a student at a junior college entering my third year, this would be my major, what school I will be going to, where I will live, if I will have roommates, and how I will afford it all. My delimna is...I don't know what I want to major in anymore therefore I don't no where I will be transfering to. For someone who plans everything, this does not sit easy with me. I've always known what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. For the first time in my life, I'm lost and don't know where to turn.


I recently visited my great-aunt in Austin. She gave me a book to read called, Strength Finder 2.0. As humans, most of the time, we are so focused on our weaknesses and we can improve them that we lose sight on what our actual strengths are. This book, with the help of an online quiz, helps you pick out your 5 strengths, defines those strengths, and gives you ways to help capitalize on those strengths. I am loving every minute of this book actually. My 5 strengths are communication, input, restorative, strategic, and woo. This book is helping raise my confidence and learn things about myself. I am so encouraged to use it!


For the first time in 9 months, I find myself under my mom's roof again. I am trying to transition back into a mode where I have to check in, let her know where I will be, and if I will be home that night. I have decided to take the next semester or two off from school. This is potentially pushing my graduation date a year to 2 years back, but I am okay with this. I need some self discovery time. I honestly believe that success is not measured on the money you make, the cars you drive, or the house you live in, but whether you enjoy it and can wake up and face yourself the next day.


I plan on devoting a lot of time to God during this time of self discovery because a person cannot truly discover themselves if they don't know what they are looking for. I know as long as God is by my side, I will have focus and He will know my destination.


I am excited and nervous about it all, but I know the Lord would never lead me into a dark room blind and alone. I also have the best friends a girl could ask for and the love of an amazing man.


I leave you with this, my favorite verse...
Commit everything you do to the LORD. Trust him, and he will help you. - Psalm 37:5