Day 1: Pink Shorts & Long Necklace

I love my outfit today. I am obsessed with my pink American Eagle shorts. They fit me amazingly and kind of make me look a little tan. And they are the perfect length. At my height shorts are always either too long or too short. I wish I had these shorts in more than one color. I'd wear them everyday. This is my favorite long necklace. It's simple enough that you can wear it casually like I did today or wear it with a dressier outfit.

Project 40 Days

So despite the fact that since Tyler and I started dating I have had an incredible increase in my self-esteem levels, I still don't have the greatest self-esteem. I'm not one of those girls who says I'm not pretty just so I can get attention. I really just don't find myself pretty if my hair and makeup are not done. And even then I can't promise you some days that I will find myself pretty. After many attempts, failed ones might I add, to raise my self-esteem, I'm giving it one more shot.

For the next 40 days, I must find something about my appearance that I can honestly say I like and document it with a picture and a post about why. This can be the way my eyes look in a certain light, my hair, my outfit, my makeup, my entire body image, whatever, but it has to be ME. Every day for 40 days.

I've tried not wearing makeup and all kinds of other things and nothing works so maybe this little plan of mine will. Let's see. This begins tomorrow. So keep your eyes open!

Be Blessed! :)

Future Cat Lady of America

Last night, as many of you saw via facebook and Instagram, I got a wild hair up my butt and decided to bake. I am not the baker in the family. I give all the credit to Dana. I, on the other hand, always seem to find mission impossible in baking....and make it 100% possible. So last night I decided to make brownies and put them in cupcake liners so they were easier to take with me to the tailgate. My brownies EXPLODED!!!! Want proof?

I forgot to add the eggs...
Although that was the easiest mess I have ever cleaned up even after sitting out all night. It was so sticky, it just peeled up like tape. AMAZING! This is just one of the dozens of disasters, I have had in the kitchen. I am destined to a miserable life as a future cat lady. But luckily Tyler finds my mess ups, cute and entertaining. I would call it anything but although I am rather biased and extremely hard on myself.

This morning I decided to give it a try again and make cupcakes! And I made sure to add all the ingredients!

Have a terrific Sunday, y'all. && SIC 'EM, BEARS!!!

Be Blessed!

Crazy Town, Texas

Let just begin my saying...THANK Y'ALL FOR THE PRAYERS! If you have been praying for my my family and me, I really, really appreciate it. I just got some news, that my daddy is looking to be doing a lot better. How great is God? But really?! He is absolutely amazing. I am so blessed. Although if you had seen me just over an hour ago, you would not have gotten the impression from me. I was in tears several times today. This month has just been so stressful for me, and this week has helped...NONE!

So first I found out my dad, who I haven't spoke to in over a year, (just in case you are new) is in the hospital in Afghanistan with internal bleeding. His wife wasn't giving us information. So I began calling anyone and everyone with the company he works for to get answers. I got answers just in time for them to move him to a hospital in Dubai where I could no longer get answers. In the mean time, Dana had gotten into a car wreck. Her entire rear end was crushed and she began to have back problems so we started dealing with insurance companies and all of that jazz. We also were all three signing up for classes and trying to figure out our financial aide situation so we could pay for classes. Then my dad get released from the hospital and within 2 hours is back in needing a second blood transfusion in a week. We got Dana into a rental car while her car was getting fixed and she had that for a week. During that time, R.E.'s car gets broken into at 4 am one morning. His iPod is stolen, but neither of his $300+ Oakley's were taken. That same day, Roxanne has 2 major seizures and scared R.E. and I. He had a panic attack and broke out in hives. I left for Dallas last Thursday and the next day my mom left for Alabama. Dana got her car back and the starter went out so she has my mom's car while mom is Alabama. I came home and Dana had her worst anxiety attack yet. School started Monday, I have a crap load of homework already, and work decided it was the most appropriate time to schedule me overtime.

No big deal. Just a minor speed bump. That's a joke. This month has taught me self-control, patience, how to control my temper, to lean on God more, and has definitely tested my faith. So my breakdowns today did not come as a surprise to anyone. Actually everyone was expecting those to happen weeks ago. I am so thankful for my amazing momma who has been loving me and encouraging and helping me through all of this, my family who has really pulled together to be there for the 3 of us kids, my friends who are constantly praying for me, and most of all...Tyler and his wonderful family. His family has been so loving and understanding. Tyler is seriously the most perfect guy. He challenges me and encourages me to do better, loves me, and prays for me. I seriously couldn't ask God for a better man in my life right now. Despite everything that has gone wrong, any chance I get to see Tyler or talk to him...that's when I am at most happiest and I don't feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Lee Brice has a song called "Hard To Love" and currently that is my song to Tyler. I am hard to love, but thankfully he does despite all the mass chaos going on.

Again thanks for all the prayers, y'all. I seriously couldn't get through all of this without the prayers. Be blessed!!

Daddy Dearest

The irony of this title is in the 9th grade I wrote a paper titled the exact same about how amazing and wonderful my dad is. Oh how the tables have turned. Oh but they have turned again...

I received word almost 3 weeks ago that Daddy was in the hospital with internal bleeding in Afghanistan. My world came crashing down and felt a if God had just slapped me in the face. Not only me, but my entire family. Despite all the crap my dad has put us through we just all want to make amends with him now put all the drama aside. The last few weeks have been a roller coaster but it's drawn my family closer and tested my faith. I've questioned God no doubt. And I am shameful of that, but it's caused Him to draw me nearer and intentionally grow in my faith. Right now we are just taking everything day by day, and praying the doctors are able to heal him.

Homemade Spa Day

Today was my first day off in 11 days!!!! The last 2 weeks for me have been anything but easy and stress-free. Between being sick for 4 days and still making sure I was functioning enough to work, Dana was in a car accident, I had to get new tires for my car, figure out how to afford those tires, make a tank of gas last 2 weeks because that's how broke I was, sign up for classes, get a shot, get financial aide, got a flat on my new tires, had to get that fixed, and work was stressing me the heck out!! Now none of that is in any type of order, mind you.

I have the whole weekend off. So today (with it being payday) I ran some errands (shopped), got my oil changed, treated myself to Chick-fil-A 2 days late, and decided I needed a spa day. Now as you can tell, I am so broke, that broke doesn't even begin to describe my situation. So an actual spa day was out. But a homemade, cheap spa day is exactly what I needed. So I got on the beloved Pinterest, found 3 blogs that I had previously pinned, wrote down all the ingredients I would need, and headed to HEB. $26 and some change later I walk away with all of these things for my spa day:

• Brown Sugar
• Honey
• Olive Oil
• Lemon Juice
• Eggs (I bought large brown eggs because they are cheaper)
• Skim Milk Powder (found in a box with the Evaporated Milks)
• Apple Cider Vinegar (It still stinks, don't worry)
• Baking Soda
• Hydrogen Peroxide
• Bananas

At the bottom I'll include the 3 blogs I got my ideas from, so you can reference them...but I didn't follow them exactly. I put my own spin on some it.

I started out with a facial scrub:

1/2 tbs. Brown Sugar 

1 tbs. Honey 

Mix together and spread it all over your face. I even went down under my chin and my neck. Once you have rubbed it in real well, rinse off and pat your face dry.

After that I did a moisturizer...

1/2 tbs. Olive Oil

1/2 tbs. Honey

dash of Lemon Juice

Mix it together and leave it on your face for 15-20 minutes. Then rinse and pat dry.

While I was waiting on the moisturizer to set I did this to my hair...

Mix an egg, 2 tbs. of Olive oil, and (the recipe calls for a cucumber but it slipped my mind while I was at HEB so I used a banana) 1/4 cup Banana, mix together and apply to wet hair. This it gross and will stink. Wrap you hair and either plastic wrap or a towel and let it set for 20 minutes before rinsing.

Okay so while I was waiting for all of that to set I made a scrub for my legs. This is the link for it. http://glutenfreenavywife.blogspot.com/2012/01/softest-silkiest-legs.html

The only thing I did different than her is I used 1 cup Brown Sugar and 1.5 cups regular Sugar just to mix it up a little. ;)

So I washed my face and rinsed my hair. Then I got in the bath and did the sugar scrub for my legs. You will get VERY oily from doing it so I took a shower immediately after. While I was in the shower I shampooed and bathed normally but when it came to conditioning I used a little mixture...

1 tbs. conditioner

1/2 tbs. Lemon Juice

1/2 tbs. Vinegar (I used the Apple Cider Vinegar)

And I let it set in my hair for a couple of minutes like normal and rinsed it out.

I towel dried my hair a little, ran a comb through it, and now I'm letting it air dry. Now here's where I didn't use my common sense too much but its okay....

I then proceeded to pluck my eyebrows. I decided to use the Apple Cider Vinegar as a toner after that...GENIUS! It hurt. So bad. I yelped a little. Not going to lie. And my skin smelt AWFUL. Yuck! Vinegar smells soooo bad. So I mixed the Dry Milk according to the package, and used it a cleanser. It stinks while it is on your face but rinse with a little water and pat your face dry, and it won't stink anymore.

Now tonight there is some sort of egg mask that I am going to do while I sleep! So we will see how that turns out! I can't wait!!! 

But here are the links to the other 2 blogs...

 http://ylcf.org/gotcurl/curlyconcoctions/

http://inspiringpretty.com/2011/02/25/15-natural-beauty-recipes-using-everyday-foods/

Oh and I almost forgot!

Use the Hydrogen Peroxide and Baking Soda to whiten your teeth! Use the mixture only once a week, but take a q-tip and dip it in hydrogen peroxide and act as if you are brushing your teeth with the q-tip. I do it every morning before I brush my teeth. Hellooooo Pearly Whites! :)

Enjoy! 

Loneliness & Depression

So a few weeks back I was talking to my friends about loneliness and depression...mind you, this is in a group text with 6 girls other than myself so the conversation was interesting to say the least. As we are talking about this I flashed back to Eat, Pray, Love where Liz talks about the two as if they are people. So I'm going to quote the chapter because I feel God calling me to share this with others. :)

Depression and Loneliness track me down after about ten days in Italy. I am walking through the Villa Borghese one evening after a happy day spent in school, and the sun is setting gold over St. Peter's Basilica. I am feeling contented in the romantic scene, even if I am all by myself, while everyone else in the park is either fondling lover or playing with laughing child. But I stop to lean against a balustrade and watch the sunset, and I get to thinking a little too much, and then my thinking turns to brooding, and that's when they catch up with me.
They come upon me all silent and menacing like Pinkerton Detectives, and they flank me-Depression on my left, Loneliness on my tight. They don't need to show me their badges. I know these guys very well. We've been playing a cat-and-mouse game for years now. Though I admit that I am surprised to meet then in this Italian garden at dusk. This is no place they belong.
I say to them, "How did you find me here? Who told you I had come to Rome?"
Depression, always the wide gut, says, "What-you're not happy to see us?"
"Go away," I tell him.
Loneliness, the more sensitive cop, says, "I'm sorry, ma'am. But I might have to tail you the whole time you're traveling. It's my assignment."
"I'd really rather you didn't," I tell him, and he shrugs almost apologetically, but only moves closer.
Then they frisk me. They empty my pockets of any joy I had been carrying there. Depression even confiscates my identity; but he always does that. Then Loneliness starts interrogating me, which I dread because it always goes on for hours. He's polite but relentless, and he always trips me up eventually. He asks if I have any reason to be happy that I know of. He asks why I am all by myself tonight, yet again. He asks (though we've been through this line of questioning hundreds of times already) why I can't keep a relationship going, why I ruined my marriage, why I messed things up with David, why I messed up things with every man I've ever been with. He asks me where I was the night I turned thirty, and why things have gone so sour since then. He asks why I can't get my act together, and why I'm not at home living in a nice house and raising nice children like any any respectable woman my age should be. He asks why, exactly, I think I deserve a vacation in Rome when I've made such a rubble of my life. He asks me why I think that running away to Italy like a college kid will make me happy. He asks where I think I'll end up in my old age, if I keep living this way.
I walk back home, hoping to shake them, but they keep following me, these two goons. Depression has a firm hand on my shoulder and Loneliness harangues me with his interrogation. I don't even bother eating dinner; I don't want them watching me. I don't want to let them up the stairs to my apartment, either, but I know Depression, and he's got a billy club, so there's no stopping him from coming in he describes that he wants to.
"It's not fair for you to come here," I tell Depression. "I paid you off already. I served my time back in New York."
But he just gives me that dark smile, settles into my favorite chair, puts his feet on my table and lights a cigar, filling the place with his awful smoke. Loneliness watches and sighs, then climbs into my bed and pulls the covers over himself, fully dressed, shoes, and all. He's going to make me sleep with him again tonight, I just know it.


I love the way she describes loneliness and depression in this chapter. I hope this reaches whomever it's suppose to reach. As always,
God Bless Y'all!

Humbled by the Love of Others

I've been gone for a while. I thought I could get through my crazy life without writing I guess. I guess, I was wrong. I'm dealing with things great, but blogging...blogging is my way of releasing everything. So from now on I'm going to make sure I blog more often.


Okay so anyways, I finally got to spend a whole week with Tyler. And even though he worked almost the whole time and I was bored out of my mind a few times, I was so incredibly thankful for that time with him. It's been a difficult last couple of months and being able to be held by him at the end of every day for a little while made all my worries and the stress disappear. I love that guy. :) There is no denying it.

So lately my passion of course has been encouraging those in a similar situation as I find myself...in a long distance relationship (LDR). I feel as if these women (and a few men) have encouraged me more than I have encouraged them. It is so incredibly humbling to meet these people and know that I am not alone in all of this. It makes me stop throwing pity-parties for myself.

I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE STRUGGLING WITH BEING IN A LDR.

Most of those that I have met are Christians as well, which has made my journey that much more special, easier, and uplifting. To know that I can talk to them about our beliefs and what role God plays in our relationship. The best part is when they tell me, that their significant other puts God before them and they do the same. Ummm hiiiiiiii! I love meeting God-fearing couples! God has just really placed some amazing people in my life here lately.

God has recently blessed me with 6 new girl friends. We all know how badly I need girl friends. Maybe they can help me be more girly...doubtful, but they can sure try. We are all spread out across Texas, but guess what...we don't care. We talk every single day, all day long usually. We get really rowdy sometimes and have to remind ourselves we are not acting like children of God. We try out best to keep each other accountable and encourage one another when one of us is having a hard time dealing with things.

This summer has been incredible. I felt God working in me like I have never felt before, and I didn't have to go to summer camp to get that high. I believe that's the best high...when you don't get it from camp. When it comes from camp it never lasts long after that. My high is lasting a lot longer than I figured it would and I am so incredibly thankful for that.

God Bless Y'all! :)

The Man That Missed It All

I hope he reads this blog one day only to find out the kind of self-destructive path he has helped me create, and left me mend by myself. I'm not even sure how I can still refer to him as a dad or why, for that matter. Sitting here now with great anxiety building inside me as RE's graduation quickly approaches, and realizing the major possibility that my dad will be there. For the duration of this post, and probably blog, I am going to refer to him as Douglas (his middle name). He and my sister have the same first name so it would get too confusing.

My parents divorced when I was 8. I knew it was coming. When your parents separate twice in one summer, you know it's coming. Naturally, with this being Texas, Mom got custody. Thank God! I'd probably would be some hellion child if it wasn't for that woman. When I was 12, Douglas left to go work overseas as a contractor for a private company just a few months before my 13th birthday. In the mean time, he was working on his second marriage since my mom left. (long story, I won't get into) Needless to say, he missed my 13th birthday. Mom rented a hotel room for my friends and I, and I think she did it to keep me happy because she knew it was going to be a hard birthday. For the next 5 years, Douglas missed every birthday. He wasn't home to celebrate a birthday with me again til I was 19. We shared my 19th & 20th together. And he missed my 21st. He not only missed it...he ignored it. No email, text, letter, or phone call. No attempt to wish me a happy birthday. For a girl, 13th and 16th birthdays are a big deal, but for a woman...21st is a huge deal. I spent the evening of my 21st birthday walking Baylor's campus crying with Taylor. COOL!

He missed 2 boyfriends. He finally met Tyler on my 19th birthday. Douglas has missed the last 8 Valentine's Days, 7 Father's Days, 6 of the last 7 Christmases & Thanksgivings, 2 proms, 3 first kisses, my first date, the purchase of my first car, moving into my own place, and so much more.

The one thing he missed that hurts more than any of those other things...he missed my high school graduation. That's something that I can't do again. That was a huge point in my life, and he missed it. He wonders why I have so much discontent towards him, and why I can't look him in the face, I've blocked him from Facebook, he doesn't know where I live, have my cell phone number, or I haven't tried to apologize...it's because of all of this. I never did anything to hurt him. I'm not in the wrong. I am right. I have every right to be mad and hurt. All of this is why I have had nothing to do with him for a year. I hope he's happy where ever in the world he is. But I guarantee he's not. He's a sad old man who wants to be a child again and uses money to get his way when he no longer knows what to do.

All I have to say is...SUCKS TO SUCK!

Back To School So I'm Not A Fool

After taking the last year off of school to figure out who I am and allow my family life to become normal again, I am going back to school in the fall. And let me tell you......I AM SO EXCITED!

Yeah I'm a nerd, and I am proud of it. Mostly, I'm watching fellow classmates graduate already and I am nowhere close it feels like at the moment. So I'm just ready to get back into the swing of things and prove to everyone, I'm not a beauty school drop-out! haha! I'm kidding. I wouldn't be caught dead in beauty school. 

I'm ready to get my teaching degree and leave Waco. Start teaching somewhere and get my Master's in Childhood Ministry. I can't wait to impact kids lives in an amazing way. They are who's going to be taking care of us and teaching our kids in the future so it's our job to impact them in a positive way.

I am so glad I started this blog almost a year ago. It's been a tough year no doubt. And I guarantee I wouldn't be who I am today without all those trials and tribulations. I am so thankful God put me through those and helped me through them. 

My next test is at RE's graduation. Sperm Donor....I apologize....Douglas....again sorry, I need to be nice....my dad will be there. We have had no communication with each other since the same time last year. I'm not going to lie, I am terrified! I made Brooke take off work so she can go with me. Tyler and I are trying to figure out how he can be there. I need my support system more than ever right now. I am so blessed to have them.

BE BLESSED! :)

My Mom is Better Than Your Dad

For the first time since Tyler and I started dating, I stayed home for Easter. And Tyler came in town. I could tell my mom was super excited about it when we were discussing everything the Sunday before. And to be honest I was too. I love Tyler's family, but my family doesn't even begin to compare. They are mine. I love everything about them. I went and bought Easter eggs, candy, and baskets for the 6 "kids." It was my first hunt in probably a decade. Not gonna lie. Mom had planned this huge lunch for all of us too. And my aunt and uncle who live in New York were home. My mom's big brother. It was really nice to see her so happy. All three of her kids, my boyfriend, my step-dad, her parents, her sister & family, and her brother & wife all together at HER home for Easter. It was good for me to be home with MY family.

Today I got a text from my mom expressing her love for us three kids. If I hadn't been working when I got that I probably would have cried, instead I smiled. I love my momma. She is awesome.

So I started the whole "soul search" because I was confused as to who I am. I finally broke it down to, I have to get over my daddy issues. But today I realized, how do I have daddy issues when the greatest dad a kid could have was my momma?

Once again, I was watching How I Met Your Mother when I discovered this. I'm not going to go into anything about the episode, but it made me realize...
My mom was both parents to me, almost my entire life. I was 18 and already in college is when I finally started developing a relationship with my dad. And I was 20 when he broke my heart, shattered every idea I had of him, and disowned me. My mom raised me. And I helped her raise those two amazing kids that are my siblings. They are my entire world. I have no idea what I would do without those kids. But most of all, what I would do without my amazing momma!

Only since last summer have my mom and I really started to have a friendship. I was never a rebellious child, but if you looked at mine and my mom's relationship you would probably assume that. I barely talked to her, when I did it was usually negative and rude, I avoided her like the plague, I swore I knew everything better than she did, and for some odd reason I usually favored my dad over her.

The part that I was missing is my mom was home every night at a reasonable hour, made or helped us make dinner, worked 40 hours a week, went to every little league practice and game we had, every PTA meeting, luncheon & breakfast, every play, skit, or band competition, also trying to manage a marriage, and two step-kids. Ummm hello...where's the super mom award? Not to mention she was a mom to all of our friends as well. Everyone wanted to hang out at our house and have parties at our house because my mom was awesome. When I went to Thailand after graduation, my best friend Traci & my boyfriend at the time went and hung out with my mom a few times just so she wasn't completely alone. It was the first time since she was 21 that she was completely alone for a week. No husband and no kids. I can't imagine how that much have felt for her. But she made it through. She was a trooper.

Now after I have lost touch with most of my friends from high school, they still see my mom out in public and they give her a hug like there is no lost time. She was the town mom. And the best one at that. I remember there being around 30 teenage kids in that house at one point and time, and the only complaint she had was that we were too loud as she washed all those dishes. That was her only complaint actually. We were too loud. To this day, my friends and I still get in trouble for being too loud. But I always laugh and apologize. What else can you do?

Now all of us are moved out, but every Sunday we still get together at Mom's for dinner. And we hang out and watch TV til we start to leave one-by-one. I always feel bad leaving her at the end of the night. But you know what, maybe after 20 years of kids being too loud, she's finally enjoying her little house all alone with her dog and a glass of wine.
Yeah who am I kidding...she's immediately in the spare room cleaning up after my brother staying there that weekend. But does she complain? Well yeah a little, but she loves it. She just loves us kids. And all I can ever hope for is to be half as cool, loving, and absolutely amazing as my mom when I have kids. She is such a strong and empowering individual and I am so blessed to call her my mom.

So daddy issues set aside. My mom is awesome. I just have to continue building this amazing relationship with her, and I'll find myself in no time.

:) See ya on the flip side, mi amigos!

With Arms Wide Open

Here is a link to a video of Creed's song, "With Arms Wide Open."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99j0zLuNhi8&ob=av2n

If you aren't familiar with the song follow that link to listen to the song. I don't recommend the video (I personally thought it was kinda gay.).

When I was younger, my dad told me anytime I hear that song to think of him. Now some 10+ years down the road when I want nothing more to not think of him...that song brings everything back. I was listening to it today at work and I'm not going to apologize for what came into my head, but this is literally what I thought...


I really hate this song. He is such a douche for making me think of him every time I hear this song. Why is he such an ass? Why is this song playing? I'll teach you everything? This is a joke!!! You taught me nothing but how to be spiteful.


And my world came crashing down with that one word...spiteful. I am a very spiteful child. I can hold a grudge like no other and I have down a darn good job at it over the last year. I have held a grudge on my dad, his new wife, and her son. I say nothing nice about my dad these days. Not that I have much of a reason to. I am an evil, sinful child. So sinful. And so spiteful. Can you imagine how much energy I use up daily to stay angry with him? Heck no wonder why I am always tired...I'm probably not anemic, I'm just spiteful and angry.

I watch all of these dads go shopping with their daughters and I become to envious of it. I never had that. My dad was/is a slave to his job. I used to get so pissed when my friends would talk so much crap about their dads because they grounded her or punished her. I never got any of that. I was 20 when I got punished by my dad for the first time...I was disowned. Disowned for finally sticking up for myself, my sister, and my brother. For finally telling the truth about how I felt. I just wanted a dad who cared to know me. But instead I got the total opposite. I got the hand.

I am working on transforming my anger into something else. Something more useful and probably involves less energy usage daily. I don't like being spiteful. Trust me...it's not a good feeling. I don't want to jealous of girls half my age either. I want to be happy for them. In order for me to be able to do that though...I have to network all that anger differently. Maybe I'll start mentoring. I have Nichole. I can start with her and continue with some other girls as well. They need to know they are loved by their Heavenly Father as well.

No earthly man, husband or father, should ever take God's place in your heart.

My dad did, but I'm working on that...
God Bless :)

Believe What You Can't See

I think by now we have established a good enough friendship that you know that I am a devout Christian. Not only do I love my Lord, but I try my very best to live a life He would be proud of. And I plan on Mastering in Childhood Ministry. I was raised in the same small Southern Baptist church until I was a freshman in college. From the time that I was born until my parents divorced my mom taught Sunday school. My mom was at church every Sunday morning & evening and Wednesday evenings. When my parents divorced, my mom was shunned from the church. They told her they didn't know how to deal with divorce. But Mom continued to send us to church for everything.

Notice in all of that I never mentioned my dad being in church. This is because my mom begged my dad to come with us all the time, but he always had an excuse. On July 11th, 1999, I was baptized. My dad came to witness that, and decided to join the church that same day. I honestly believe he did this as a last attempt to save their marriage. They had already been split up most of the summer. I think we had just moved back into the house when all of this took place. (That was a bad summer so I've suppressed so many of those memories so well that I can't remember them even when I want to.) My parents kept us kids so in the dark about all of this though. Understandably so, considering I was 8 at the time. Which made my sister and brother 7 and 6. Anyways, that was one of the few times I remember my dad being present in church with us including holidays.

Until very recently, I always thought it was just because my dad didn't like the church. After some hard talks with my sister and a shocking revelation (shocking on my part that is), I have come to realize why my dad has never really been to church with us. And why he always had a demeaning manner about him when talking to me about my future career or made excuses why we weren't going to church the next morning when I would go visit him and his now-wife. My dad is Atheist. Apparently my sister has known for a long time. I guess I on the other hand never wanted to believe that so I never considered it. It explains why my dad always acted as if I have a holier-than-thou attitude though.

My dad grew up with two very loving and Christian parents and 4 brothers. I am not sure my dad and his brothers ever heard his parents cuss. In fact, I think the only word I have ever heard either one use was hell. They are in church every Sunday and my grandfather is a deacon. They read scripture daily and speak of the Lord often. I know for a fact those boys got up and got dressed for church every Sunday morning as long as the lived with my grandparents. It shocking to me that someone who lived that way doesn't believe.

I pray that my dad may one day believe and I hope to see him in Heaven. I'd hate to think he'd be burning in hell for the rest of eternity. But as of right now all I can do is continue to pray for him, and allow God to work around him. I can't even have a normal conversation with him (or a conversation at all for that matter) at the moment, much less talk to him about God. So all I can do is pray. I trust that this is all in God's plan.

May God continue to Bless you, and you continue to grow in Him!

Did We Just Become Best Friends?!

I am listening to Sara Evan's song "Perfect" right now. I love this song. I always have. Tyler and I don't have a perfect relationship, and this song reminds me that it is okay. As long as we love each other, then that in itself makes our love perfect.

Last night I made (pardon my french) an ass out of myself. Seriously if Tyler wasn't so understanding and an amazing boyfriend, I'd probably be single right now or in a HUGE fight. I'm not going into details as to what happened because I'd rather not relive that...it's pretty embarrassing on my part.

I've come to realize over the last month or so not only are Tyler and I finally for the first time in our relationship on the same page, but we truly enjoy time together. In a long distance relationship this can mean actual physical time, texting, phone calls, or Skyping. In the past, yes we have enjoyed each others company but we also were very selfish with and took advantage of it. We were together nearly everyday. When we weren't together we were usually fighting...over stupid things. One time Tyler and I went almost a week without seeing each other because he wanted me to come over to his house every night when I got off work. That meant I had worked at 8 hour shift, while he'd been sitting in class, playing video games, and/or working out. It would about 10:15 when I'd get off so that would put me at his house around 10:40. I usually had class the next morning at 8 am. Which meant I had to be up at 6 because I had to leave my house by 7:15 to avoid the school traffic and not get stuck in Robinson. Oh and my drive from Tyler's apartment to my house was easily a 30 minute drive, one night it took me an hour because the interstate was jammed. So I got fed up with having almost no sleep and nearly falling asleep at the wheel, I told him he could come see me or we wouldn't see each other that week. By Thursday he figured out I wasn't playing games and asked if he could come over. I explained to him I had plans to go out with some friends. That wasn't Tyler's scene so I knew he would not be going. Luckily I was off work the next day, and guess who was calling me at noon asking if we could get lunch and hang out for the day? Yep, my man!

He learned a valuable lesson...don't test me. I am not one to fall to test anxiety. I test extremely well without studying, and when I have studied...let's just say an A+ is nothing new to me! ;)

Anyways...I went up to see Tyler the weekend after his birthday. The first time since he moved, probably, that we spent 48 hours together. It was amazing!! We went out to eat Friday night and enjoyed each other's company followed by Pink Berry Frozen Yougart! And more laughing and talking. Saturday, I took Tyler to my favorite mall, NorthPark, and we went to the candy store. We got all of his favorite candies...except pez. Even a jawbreaker the size of my fist. He still hasn't decided the best way to eat it. Haha! When we left the mall it had started raining and we were both very hungry. So we continued to drive around Dallas for the next hour "looking" for somewhere to eat. We finally just went to Irving and grabbed hamburgers at Griff's.

During all of that though, Tyler and I both loosened up around each other and were joking and laughing and he was annoying the crap out of me. But it felt right. It felt like US again. At one point during our driving around aimlessly, Tyler looked over at me with the biggest smile and said, "You have missed me annoying you haven't you?" As he grabbed my hand to kiss it, I shamelessly had to admit...I missed him annoying me. I missed laughing with him and at him. I just missed being a couple.

Later that night, we met up with one of Tyler's best friends, Jacob. I love Jacob. He's a great friend to Tyler...and myself. I mean the guy came and celebrated my 21st with me! Good times. Anyways, while we were out and all three of us were laughing and talking and having a good time, Tyler stepped away for a minute...I guess to go to the bathroom, who really knows. Jacob put his arm around me, and asked if Tyler and I were doing okay. I FROZE! All I could think about was Tyler told him we weren't doing okay. And I gave him a half smile and said yes. He replied, "Good! I'm proud of you guys. Long distance is hard." And he continued, "You are my favorite of Tyler's girlfriends." Umm hi, did we just become best friends?! Stupid me all I could think to say was, "Awww! Jacob you're so sweet thank you." Freaking idiot. Your boyfriend's best friend just gave you the compliment of a lifetime and that's all you can say?! We hugged after I said that though, and just in time for Tyler to rejoin the group.

Sunday when I got ready to leave was hard though. We sat on the couch beside each other not saying anything. I hate that. We both know what's coming. Neither one of us wants to stat it so we avoid it as long as possible. Finally it got to be about that time so I walked to my room to gather my things. Tyler followed to help me carry them to my car. We loaded it up. Still not saying anything to each other, both silently hoping one of us had a good reason I should stay longer. I walked back and finally we both spoke. I told his Parents goodbye and thank you for allowing me to stay in their home. I checked my room one more time. Then we walked out to my car. I opened my door and laid everything down in the passenger floor board still attempting to avoid the matter at hand, but it couldn't wait any longer. Tyler pulled me into his arms for a long hug and kissed my forehead. We said our goodbyes and kissed. I pulled him back for one more hug and kiss. I quickly climbed in my car to avoid him seeing the tears in my eyes that were about to hit full force. I put my sunglasses on and managed to hold the tears in til I hit the highway. Then it was like the great flood the whole way home. I made it home in record time that day...1 hour 10 minutes. I'm not ashamed either.

The next week was the worst for me though. How was I suppose to handle having the best weekend ever and having to return home without him?! Well I dealt with it the way I deal with most hard things in my life. 1.) I really prayed about it. I talked to God almost constantly about it. & 2.) I avoided the subject like the plague. This is not a joke. I literally avoided the topic of my weekend for almost a week. Someone asked how it went, I replied with one word like, good or great, awesome. I was in the worst mood. But God talked back to me, and I AGAIN had to realize, that Tyler and I are called to live apart for awhile. At the moment I am called to live here, and he is called to live up there. And we both need to be respectable to what the Lord has asked of our relationship.

This isn't easy for us. But it's just another test for us. And as I said before, I excel at tests. I do not crack under pressure. I know God has a plan for our lives. I just have to respect God's decision to keep us in the dark as to when we will be reunited.

As of right now, the plan is for Tyler to work up there and get into Fire Academy while I am finishing school down here. As soon as I graduate, I plan to get a teaching job in the DFW area and get my Master's degree in Childhood Ministry online while working fulltime as a teacher. And maybe a couple years after that, Tyler and I get married. We are in no hurry. A friend of mine told me the other day, I am the girl every guy would love to date. I want to get married and have kids, but I am in no rush to do so. I am just enjoying life and when it happens, I will be thrilled. But until then I'll continue to plan my wedding on Pinterest, have baby fever (Dana told me to kidnap little children as my new hobby), and just enjoy the moments that Tyler and I have to share.

God's plan for us is amazing I'm sure of it. And it will fall together as God wills it. I just have to be patient and thankful.

Blessings :)

It is Only Wednesday

Yesterday I thought it was Wednesday but it felt like Thursday. I can't remember the last time a week dragged on so much and I was looking so forward to a weekend. The next two days I am scheduled to work 12-10:30. That 10:30 is used very loosely. It may not be til 11 or 12 when I actually get off. And then Friday I am working 8-4. I am then driving an hour and a half to Cedar Hill. I have so many things that I want to do when I get there but most likely a lot of our time will be spent on the couch watching tv.

For the first time in our relationship, I am okay with that. I am beginning to realize that my favorite time spent with Tyler is driving around Dallas getting lost or sitting on the couch doing nothing. Being close to him is all I long for at the end of the day. But I only get that once a month for a little over 24 hours most times. I miss holding his hand and getting big hugs from him. I can't believe I'm admitting this but I even miss when he picks me up and throws me around like I'm his rag doll. The boy is twice my size!

All I know is Friday can't get here any sooner. This week can't drag on any longer. And I've never wanted a hug so bad in my life. I never thought this was going to be easy, even for a second, but I also never thought that I could miss someone's dirty, stinky, one-bedroom ghetto apartment so much. Or even that disgusting couch that smelt like death and the springs came through. Or cooking dinner together and making deals on who had to clean the kitchen afterwards. But I do. The thing that gets me through it, is the thought of one day being back together and not having to worry about those two previous disgusting items. We will have much nicer things. :)

Be blessed. And may your week go by quicker and more swiftly than mine seems to be.

Summoned to be a Juror

Oh Jury Duty! I could really do without you. I've been summoned. So I sit here waiting to go to court, I've had some time to catch up on some reading. I'm working on Eat, Pray, Love. I am also writing a blog separate from this on my journey as I read this book. I'm sort of wondering why I started it separate from this one. Since both are on myself discovery and growth of my relationship with God. But for whatever reason, I did.

I complain a lot about my dad don't I? How crappy he is. The lack of presence he has had in my life. I've never once thought about thanking him. Well yesterday, I thought about it. Today, I will implement it. If you read the other blog you will understand a little more why I have come to think this is so important. I really think this may be the way that I am able to forgive in and finally move on with my life.
So long. See ya later.
You know that kinda thing. Except, not see him later...I'm still not ready for that.

So here is the link to my other blog where I will post later today my thank you to my dad.
Those words just don't feel right on my lips. I hate saying them. Only about him though. I feel as though his title of sad should be revoked. So from now on you will probably hear (or see rather) me call him Douglas.

The blog that my thank you will be found at will be...
http://niki-eatpraylove.blogspot.com/

How I Met My Boyfriend

So today I've been catching up on my "How I Met Your Mother" episodes. Great show! I got to thinking I've told basically my whole story, but I have yet to tell how I met Tyler. He's the biggest part of my life.
So now I share... :)

Once Upon A Time...
Just kidding, Guys. But for real.

So anyways, mine and Tyler's meeting was totally by chance. God really wanted us to meet because there was quite a few things that almost prevented me from being at the right place at the right time. In order to fully understand the entire story, I have to go back a couple of months before Tyler and I actually met.

October 2009:
Traci and I had been planning for a couple of weeks to go to Preview Night (otherwise known as Suicide Night) at the Fair and Rodeo. Bart Crow Band was playing and we loved them. I had convinced a friend of mine from work that he and one of his buddies should come with us. It was going to be fun. A couple of hours before we were going to all meet up, homeboy naturally blew me off. I told Traci I didn't feel like going anymore. But she never listens to me. So I got dressed and we went to the concert.
There was a small crowd and the band was loud so we hung back near the coliseum and sat on some pillars. Laughing, and talking, and singing, and laughing, and people watching. Waco had some weird people. They say keep Austin weird...I think Waco might be more weird. Anyways, these two guys walk up to us and one of them says...(wait for it)...."So do you come here often?" Seriously, Bro? Nothing else came to you head as far as pick up lines? Traci and I almost erupted into laughter. She said, "Well, I mean, the fair only comes once a year, but yeah, when its here, you can find us here almost every night." That's how we met Bryce.

Bryce and Traci began talking and hanging out on regular basis. So when Traci's birthday came, it was no surprise Bryce was there.

Thursday, November 19th, 2009:
Traci picked me up from my house that night and we headed to our usual...George's Restaurant & Bar...to celebrate her birthday with our close friends. Traci was turning 18 so on her birthday we had plans to go to the club. To include all of those who were not yet 18, we had the birthday dinner. Bryce showed up and had two friends with him, Gaston and Tyler. But wait...this is not where Tyler and I "officially" meet. I was sitting by a good friend of mine, Seth. We were catching up and talking about old times. I barely looked in Tyler's direction other than to notice he was a total cutie and most like OUT OF MY LEAGUE. When we were all done eating dinner, we said goodbyes to everyone, but the 3 boys. The 5 of us then decided to go see the remake of Scrooge. That's when I officially met Tyler and Gaston. We were loud and obnoxious as Traci and I always are. Tyler sat in the row in front of us so I of course decided to annoy him and make him feel awkward (too bad Tyler is really good at being awkward already). After the movie we went to the parking lot and stood there talking for a few minutes. This is when I learned Tyler was not country or from a small town. He and Bryce did not know how to two-step. So Traci and I, took it upon ourselves to try to teach them, in the parking lot, with no music. I of course, erupted into laughter, I was so nervous. FAIL!

Tyler and Gaston later added me on Facebook were I had conversations with both and exchanged numbers with both of them. Saturday night came and we were all at Wild West. I had another guy with me. Long story. That I refuse to get in to. lol. Gaston decided he didn't care and talked to me all night. Tyler on the other hand ignored me. I seriously thought the boy had no interest in me. So Sunday evening when he started texting me like crazy I was a little blown away. Tyler and I continued to text all day Monday. I had the worst day. Tyler told me, he and Traci were hanging out that night so maybe they would swing by at work to see me. I told him that would be awesome.

Just so you know, I hate surprises...

So I am working my butt off after a long day of suckiness and school. And here comes Tyler...with a bouquet of daisies, a Dr. Pepper, and chocolate. I could have killed Traci at that moment because I realized at that moment she planned this. Little Jerk. I was totally blown away though. That was the sweetest thing a guy had ever done for me. We started "talking" that night. The next night we had our first kiss and Tyler says that's the moment he knew he loved me. I knew a week or so later when I was leaving his apartment one night and walked me to my car then returned to his balcony and watched me leave.

On December 6th, he asked me to be his girlfriend and told me he loved me. I said, "Yes! And I love you too!"

The rest...is history. We have had our ups, we have most definitely had our downs. But we've stuck with each other. Two and half years later we are living in two separate cities, living separate lives, but still madly in love. I knew he was the one when he took me home and I met his family. All I could think about was how much I wanted exactly what they had.

"...but I feel that when you love a person sooo much like I love you, every moment spent with you brings us closer and closer."

Tyler told me that one day and I will never forget it. That is a boy after my heart! I love him so much. So now you know...with my super, super long blog.

Be blessed :) And may love find you in the strangest of places...like the bar you frequented as a teenager for the amazing, greasy food. :)

We Are Not Cousins, We Are Best Friends

So I don't know about you, but I am completely blessed to have a family that loves and encourages me the way mine does. Not only that but they are also understanding. Most of all I am blessed to have a sister and cousin who are the best friends I could ever ask for. I've already shared about Dana so now it's Taylor's turn.

Let me get something clear...Taylor and I weren't always this close. We grew up together. But she was my just my cousin. Now that we are 18 and 21, she is one of my closest friends and knows the most about me, other than Dana. I confide in Taylor and cry in front of her and with her. Over the last 3 years, I feel like when one of us has broken up with a boyfriend, we both felt that heart-brokenness that the other felt or if when of us got a boyfriend we both experienced the joy and giddiness. It sounds gay and a little ridiculous, but that's seriously how close we are. If I go a week without hearing from or seeing Taylor, I have withdraws.

Taylor has been there for me a lot since May. I have cried in front of her so many times. I think a couple of times we've both cried over the matter. I don't want Taylor hating my dad or looking at him any differently because that's her uncle. But Taylor reassures me, she already didn't like him before this, and now she has a good reason. She is awesome!

Although things aren't always butterflies and rainbows for us. We fight like any other friends would. Okay, no disagree. Yeah that's better wording. We don't fight. We are very blunt with each other but we respect each others honesty. My grandparents have this little pink cup that Taylor and I fight over though. It was mine first!

But seriously, I'd be lost without this kid. She and Dana get me through some really dark days. I thank God every morning for them. I love those girls to pieces.

Cool Story, Bro!

So I know Kaylee and Makenzie are going to be thrilled to see that title because it's kind of an insider between the three of us. So many memories from last summer. But unfortunately I'm not reminiscing about the good times or talking about our insider...it's an insider for a reason. I can't tell the whole world our secrets.

Anyways, the world or culture/society today has given us the worst, most stupid advice about love and we believe it. My favorite of all is, "Distance makes the heart grow fonder." Honestly, I believe anyone who has ever told someone else that has never been away from their significant other for more than a week tops. That old saying is a load of crap! Yes, I am more in love with Tyler than I was 7 months ago, but I promise you it's not the distance that made me fall more in love with him. I tried to break up with Tyler a month after he moved because I hated the distance, short phone calls, and super-short visits once a month. I wanted to not care anymore. Luckily I'm head over heels for that boy and he convinced me to stick around because it would get easier. He's full of crap to ya know. It hasn't gotten easier. I've just grown accustom to it all. And God has helped a lot.

Our society also makes it seem that long distance relationships have the inevitable cheating on the significant other. False! Tyler and I have never cheated on each other nor do I ever see it being a problem in our future. Those who cheat have major issues with God, trust, honesty, and ect. Tyler and I have no problems with any of the above. And God is the center of not having any of those problems. I am so glad that I have a man by my side that loves God as much as I do. I am totally blessed to have him.

I just think our society/culture has some crooked ideas about relationships, but that just my opinion. And hey who am I? Just a small town girl who loves a boy that lives in the big city 2 hours away. Oh well, there's my rant.

Be blessed! :)

5 Minutes of Slow Death

Yesterday morning, I woke up and decided, "No more tomorrows, today I start getting in shape again." So, I drank a glass of water, ate a banana and some low fat crackers, turned my iPod on, and attempted to work out.

I attempted...yes I say attempted to have a 15 minute workout. I had a 5 minute workout and thought I was dying. 1 minute high knees, 1 minutes jumping jacks, 1 minute front kicks, 1 minute jumping jacks, & 1 minute running in place. I know. That's sad.

I use to be an athlete believe it or not. I'd run 3 to 5 miles five days a week along with 4 to 8 hours of tennis around 6 days a week. I wasn't anything spectacular. I had a killer serve and my backhand was better than my forehand, most tennis players can't say that. The forehand is just more natural. I loved to run. Run, run, run.

My senior year I injured my knee. I played some of my best tennis that year and ran some of my fastest miles during that time. I believe it was all the medicines and circulation cutting knee braces I wore in all honesty. No pain, no gain.

When I graduated, I stopped running because I was hurting so much and I didn't play tennis as much because there was no time for it anymore. Now I look back and think about that girl and wonder where her passion went.

I was in shape, adventurous, loved to exercise, ate right, didn't drink sodas, and knew what I was doing (and if I didn't, I acted like I did). She had attitude and spunk. Now I'm so laid back and my attitude is mostly a negative one.

I'm determined to be that delightful, healthy girl again. So Friday, I go get a gym membership. I had my last soda yesterday, and all the crap I sit around and snack on, I'm throwing in the trash. I'm going to stop hating my big legs and fall in love with them again.

They say a good workout will change your attitude for the whole day. That means I'll be waking up earlier to get my workout in before the day begins so I can start it off positively.

Plus Tyler looks AWESOME. And I want to look great too! So here's to getting healthy and in shape again!

Be blessed! (drink a Big Red for me will ya?)

Wedding Overkill

I already had a slight obsession with weddings and then sometime last week I began to use Pinterest.

All I have to say is thank you to the creator(s) of the wonderful website. Now in 8 years when I actually get engaged and start planning my wedding, I won't have much work to do because I've already picked out my dress, the colors, Save the Dates, invitations, and much much more.

Dana thinks I am insane. And I think Tyler does to. I got so excited showing Dana everything the other day. As if Tyler and I were engaged. Yeah right. I'll wait. No rush here.

Funny right?! For someone who loves everything about weddings to say she'll wait?! Am I crazy? No. Okay maybe a little. But I'm young!!

Tyler and I met and started dating when we were 18. We were fresh out of high school and never expected that we would be dating who we are going to marry. I mean seriously, who does that? Apparently us.

Anyways, I'm barely 21 and Tyler isn't even there yet (yes I'm older & I make sure he remembers that! Haha). I still need to graduate with my bachelors and get into grad school or seminary, whichever I chose. Tyler wants to be a fireman. We have goals we still want to accomplish before we start a family. Plus studies are showing the leading cause of divorce is young marriage. 65% of those who wait til they are 26 have a lasting marriage.

I hate statistics, but that's one statistic I keep listening to. My parents married young and look what happened to them. My mom was my age when she had me. A year later out popped my sister and a year after that, a baby boy arrived. 6 years later they were filing for divorce after only 9 years of marriage. Although Tyler and I have already dated probably twice as long as they did before they got married and started having kids, I still feel like we have a lot of maturing to do individually and as a couple.

Plus, I know our wedding won't be as easy as I've made it on Pinterest. Tyler and I are going to butt heads the whole way through. I want small, he wants big. I want to get married in Waco, he wants Dallas. He wants 7 groomsmen, I don't know 7 people to be my bridesmaids. Plus, I have to pay for it all. My mom said she would help, but with my dad out of the picture completely, it's going to have to be a cheap wedding.

All I know is I'm going to be a basket full of tears that day. I can picture my brother walking me down that aisle with Dana and Taylor standing there making stupid faces on one side and Tyler on the other smirking like an idiot, and my mom and Todd standing to the side to say they are giving me away. It's going to be perfect.

But until then I keep planning every little detail on Pinterest until its perfect and cheap!

Happy pinning! ;)

And be blessed!!

And the Truth Comes Out

So I'm not one to lie or tell a story, I won't send you on a quest and then you come to find out, there was no quest. As most of you know, I'm fasting right now. I am also supposed to be reading the book, A Call to Die, by David Nasser along with my 40 day fast. Now my fasting is going pretty well. I have yet to social network...high five. I have text some, but I realized that occasionally I sort of have to but it's definitely not an obsession for me anymore so that's good. Now here comes the truth, although I am doing awesome with my fasting, I actually can't tell you off hand what day I am on because I haven't read in awhile I did great for the first week and a half and then I had an off day and I've never gotten back on track. I haven't picked up the book other than to move it around my house actually since that day. I haven't read or even tried to catch up. I've decided that I'll ride this fast out and when my life gets back to little bit normal pace I'll try the book again. Right now, I can't focus on anything to save my life. I'm not making excuses. I know that I should be doing this fast and sticking to the book but I just can't for some reason right now. I don't think that makes me any less Christian than the others 10-12 girls who are doing this book right now and sticking to it. I just don't do good with chaos. And right now my life is chaos.

Dana and I moved into our house together at the first of January we are still unpacking, painting, organizing, getting bills put in our names, and all that type of stuff. Then there was my 21st in January. And Dana's 20th was 2 weeks later. Tyler was here for Dana's birthday then I went up to Dallas for Valentine's Day. I am also back up to 40 hours a week at work and we have family dinner every Sunday evening. Tyler's 21st is March 6th so I'm going up there the following weekend to be with him. Then my uncle who lives in New York and whom I never see will be home for Easter and Tyler will be meeting him. Oh and my brother graduates from high school in 90 days so I am trying to get his bedroom cleaned out and painted and ready for him. Cool. Now you see the chaos?

That's not even mentioning Tyler's sister Courtney is moving to North Carolina so Tyler is moving in with his parents until he gets a place for himself. In the mean time they have to sell the house Tyler and Courtney have been living in and store all of the furniture in that house somewhere. Tyler quit his job and has to find a new one. He's still taking a class at North Lake so he can finally get his diploma. And his family is planning on taking a trip to see Courtney this summer. Yeah that's a lot to take in. Not to mention I found most of that out plus some in one night. Whew. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

Last month, I also I had to deal with my dad being home on leave. Dana and I become robots during this time, and we are antsy about everything, we bite people's heads off for no reason, and we are nervous wrecks worried we will run into him or he'll come looking for us. Now let me clear something up real quick, my dad has NEVER physically harmed my sister or I. That man however has made two strong, beautiful women hate themselves for who they are. We are better now with the Grace of God and some amazing family and friends. We pray for him daily that he might come to know Christ and see that we don't think we are holier than thou and we are not whores. I have not spoken to him in 9 months and I honestly could care less to hold a conversation with him. I miss my dad very much, but I do not miss being talked to like I am scum. I am worth so much more than that. I had to deal with the hurt and pain of what happened last May again when my dad was back. I broke down crying. I want so badly for my dad to think as highly of me as he once did, but I realize that the reality of that happening is not likely. My dad did not wish me a happy birthday this year and it liked to kill me.

Again and again, it is preached before Dana and I that we are to let God be the only One we seek approval from. That He is to be our Father. And again and again, we say wow that's nice. But we have such a hard time living our lives that way. It's taking us awhile, but I think we are getting through it and we are beginning to live that way. I wake up every morning and thank God I have such an amazing sister to walk by my side. She gives me hope that we are going to be okay and something great is to come of all of this.

Dana and I are so excited to share our home with our little brother. We pray that he will be encouraged by our walks with Christ and he will want to know the Lord more and deepen his walk as well. He is an amazing kid and I am absolutely thrilled to watch God work through him.

I can't wait to restart that book but I know right now is just not good timing for me. I will continue to pray and encourage the other girls but I can not do something that my heart is not completely in. And my heart isn't completely there right now because it's in 90 other places.

Be blessed! :)

How Great Thou Art!

Wow how selfish am I? I would rather feel guilty later for a decision I made than feel uncomfortable now by denying to do something to people around me. In other words, I want to do what I want and break God's heart. Not cool!

John 3:16- For God so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, so whoever believes in Him, should not perish but have eternal life.

God loves ME so much that He gave His one and only Son to die for ME?! How wonderful! Also it's very condemning and eye opening. I am not worthy of such an opportunity to be rewarded with walking alongside my Creator for the rest of eternity. I sin and make excuses for those sins. I am a broken, ruined, mess of a child but God is willing to forgive, heal, and fix me. What a gracious God we have!
He had His only Son die for me!
WOW!
For ME?!
Little old small town girl.
Yeah that's right, He loves me that much. He's not a selfish God at all.

It's been brought to my attention, by my gracious Father, that I spend time in the Word not as a tool like He has provided for me to use it, but more so as a way to impress people. I use my knowledge not to grow more intimately with Christ, but to make people think I am a scholar when it comes to the Bible. Don't be mistaken, I know quite a bit about the Bible and it's teachings, but I am no Scholar that's for sure. God supplied me with this miraculous Tool to answer questions of my own and others' and to build a stronger, more faithful relationship with Him. I should use it accordingly.

As I am feeling condemned and slightly more broken than I have in a very long time, I lie here counting my blessings that I have such an amazing Father. A God that loves me that much. He is forgiving and powerful and mighty. He will fix me and heal me. But first I have to be willing to open my heart and be fixed. So I open my heart, and endure the pain I must undergo before I can be fixed.

For God so loved the world...

Dying to My Own Selfish Desires

So as most of you already know I am fasting for 40 days beginning this past Friday, February 3rd. I am fasting from social networking and texting of all persons excluding Tyler. I have chosen those things because I am rather addicted to them. They are the things I do when I am "bored." I have better things I could be doing like cleaning, painting, organizing, spending time with God, but I choose to sit on my fat butt, text people to death, blow up twitter randomly, or stalk people until I know everything about them. Yeah it's a problem!

Even worse is that because I am denying myself time with the Holy Spirit, I am denying myself of a more intimate relationship with my Father. And after all, isn't that what my soul search is all about? Learning more about my Father so that I can learn more about myself? Or have I forgotten about Him and my need for a more intimate relationship, for my own selfish desires?

And if the texts, tweets, and stalking aren't enough to ignore God, I have a HUGE problem with daydreaming. I honestly spend countless hours a day dreaming about my future wedding and children, what kind of house I will live in, car I will drive, if Tyler will be the man I marry, if not what that man might look like, how he might act, what a future church built by me might look like, mine and Tyler's current relationship, and all kinds of useless, not Christ-like junk. If someone could look in my head and see some of the meaningless stuff I think about all day they probably wouldn't think I'm headed down the path to be a minister, much less that I'm a Christian.

I have also gotten quite a bit of a mouth on me within the last year or two. And I'm not just talking about being loud because Lord knows I've always been a loud child. Old habits die hard. And new habits die harder. I have begun, hmmm not really begun because I've been doing this awhile, I have gotten worse about cursing. Cursing because I'm mad, upset, frustrated. Cursing because of the people I am with or around. Cursing just to curse. Those words make me sound ignorant like I am not an intelligent, educated woman, but they also make me sound hypocritical and that I don't have a heart for Christ. I am not trying to be cocky with what I am about to say, but...I am a strong, intelligent, educated, beautiful woman of God, but when I speak those words I am sound just like the inmate who has been in and out of jail his whole life so much so that he did not receive an education.

I am called to be more Christ-like by God, and to do so I must die to my own selfish desires. Doing so is going to be hard. God never said it would be easy. Especially in our society where everything is believed to have an easy way out...and if it doesn't then that easy way out is to give up. God had asked me to do some pretty difficult things before, and if He hadn't I wouldn't think He loved me. God is harsh with me. He never lets me have an easy way out or a get out of jail free card. God is a gracious be-ing, but He is not a pushover. This road is going to be long and hard but at the end of this journey I know I will be well rewarded so I won't try to take any shortcuts because there are none. They are all dead ends. There is a reward at the end of this road, and I intended fully to receive the entire prize not just a portion for good effort.

See you on the flip side! :)

Preparation for a Feast

For the next 40 days will be enduring a journey with 13 other woman from the ages of 17 to 30. This journey is a fasting from something or things that may be taking our eyes off God or from spending time with Him. Some are giving up things like secular music or guys in a romantic way. I am giving up Social Networking and texting.

I think I belong to every major social networking website right now not to mention a few small ones available only to those who have an iPhone like Instagram. It's sort of an obsession of mine. I love finding new ways to communicate with people I've lost touch with over the years, but in the mean time I'm spending all this time "catching up" or "stalking" people that I'm not keeping in touch with God.

In the same way I'm kind of obsessed with texting. I looove to text. If I'm bored I text people that I'm pretty sure will reply within a reasonable amount of time. Now right now my relationship with my boyfriend is sort of centered around our ability to text one another. Unfortunately we are in a long distance relationship and between our two crazy and hectic schedules there is almost no time left in the day to talk on the phone. We also only see each other once a month for the most part. That being said I will continue to text Tyler but everyone else will just have to wait to get a reply from me. :)

Last night as I was spending time with God and in the Word, I ran across this passage...
"And when you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, anoint your head, and wash you face, that your fasting may not be seen by others but by your Father in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.
-Matthew 6:16-18
I wrote the passage down on a bright yellow note card I've pinned on the wall above my desk to remind me to be full of gratitude as I take this journey. Starting tomorrow I will blog every day about what the Lord reveals to me.

Spirit! Spirit!

So much craziness and chaos in my life lately, but things are starting to go back to normal and I am more than thankful. At the first of the month, Dana and I moved into our own home together...we are both still living so this is a good sign. It's been tough realizing I can't go to my mom every time Dana and I are arguing. She just tells me to go home and duke it out with the kid. So I'm learning to have patience and to stop treating Dana as if she is my child. She's my sister and roommate and that's how she should be treated. So all of that said, we are growing into adults. Oh and I also welcomed in my 21st birthday and all the alcohol comments I could ever want to hear. Since when does every person who turns 21 expected to get shwasted? I'm not a drinker and don't plan to be. I have a bottle of wine in my fridge. I also went out with a group of friends, had a margarita, a shot, and I asked Dana to take me home while my friends celebrated my birthday without me. I got a buzz and I was done. I didn't find it that exciting to be honest.

So as I learn more about myself and my roles and position in Dana's life, I am learning I am a pretty awesome person! And that's not to be cocky or toot my own horn, but my mentor tells me that ALL the time and I'm finally believing it.

Last night, at Hosea 2 Sisters we took a spiritual gifts quiz and my top 3 were: encouragement, faith, and pastoring; which should come to no surprise to myself or anyone else who knows me very well. Kim asked me lat night how I am currently using pastoring, and all I could think about is I know that's what I want to do in my future but I don't think I am currently using it. And she said that I was wrong. The girls that I am investing my time in...I am pastoring them. So I'm sitting here giving Brooke, Taylor, Amanda, and a few other girls advise in the most Biblical, Christian way I can think of I am pastoring them and leading them to a better relationship with Christ. My heart began to smile!

I am blessed with an amazing mentor and now I am mentoring girls as well and not even really realizing it. I am so thankful all that has been placed before me. As I learn more and more about myself, and continue to grow as a woman of Christ, my relationships look a lot differently to me as well.