Hello 1:48 AM

Why the heck am I awake at this hour????!!!???
Well because my lovely mother and sister came home and do not know what inside voices are. Now I am wide awake. So how do I spend my time, you ask...by writing my long overdue blog. I know you've missed me and my cynics. Who doesn't? :)

The guys keeping me going tonight are my handy Big Red and the amazing FlipSides Pretzel Crackers! Yuuuummooo!

Anyways, I'm still working on that book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. (SERIOUSLY, it's a must read. DO IT! You will thank me later!!) But in the book a verse was mentioned that has been following me around all day.

When I see your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have put in their places;

What is man, that you keep him in mind? the son of man, that you take him into account?

Psalm 8:3-4

All day long I keep replaying those two verses in my head. Awe struck that I have never seen those words, so powerful, so awesome, so, so, so...for once in my life I don't even have words to describe it. I'm silenced by what is. My mouth is wide open, but nothing comes out because I am silenced by the Grace of God.

Who am I compared the rest of the beauty of this world that I am among that my God created. I am but a mere little spec in this big oh huge universe. God created it all. Sit there for a second let that one little sentence sink in. He created it all. Everything you see was created by the hands of our Lord. I say it again and again...What an awesome Father we have. So mighty and powerful. So detailed and intricate. No person is the same as the next. We are all different. What a creative being that is our God! 

Every night before I go to bed I take my rings off. There are five of them. They all look differently and each of their own meaning to me. 

The one on the farthest left is my James Avery Scrolled Ichthus Ring. Kristi and Kaylee gave that to me as my graduation from high school gift. Kaylee has the same ring since we are sisters in Christ.

The one above that the James Avery Heart Knot Ring that I received from my mom this past birthday.

The ring that is bent has blue sapphire stones in it, and I got it for my 15th birthday from Todd. It just recently bent, and I have no idea how. :(

The ring below that is a ring I got from my mom when I was 14 for Valentine's Day. The stone is in the shape of a heart. Mom, Dana, and I all have the same ring although I think I am the only one still wearing mine.

The last ring in the family of 5 is Tyler's purity ring. Now at this point you are probably freaking out, but it's not what you think. Tyler gave this ring to me as a promise that he and I would stay pure with each other. It no longer fits him, but the ring means so much to him that he gave it to me to wear. Originally I wore it on a necklace, but it feels better on my finger, and there it shall stay.

Just as listed all of my rings, their meanings to me, and how they came to be in my possession, God can do the same for us. It's remarkable how much God knows. He knows everything. He knows that I am struggling to find myself right now. But I know that with Him, I will find me. In fact I know I am on the right path. Our God is awesome. He simply amazes me day after day. Who am I compared to everything else He has created with His own two hands? I am just one of His trillions of children.

"If I have hope, its that God sat over the dark nothing and wrote you and me, specifically, into the story, and put us in with the sunset and  the rainstorm as though to say, Enjoy your place in my story. The beauty of it means you matter, and you can create within it even as I have created you."

Let's be honest for a second...I think Donald Miller just stole Nicholas Spark's spot as my favorite author. He is literary genius. I love the story he tells. It's the story I need to hear right now. A tragic love story is the last thing that my pour soul needs to read for one main reason, Tyler is no longer by my side. And by that I mean, long distance relationship. Sappy, tragic love story is not healthy for someone already having a hard time dealing with a new phase in their own relationship. But Donald Miller's book is brilliant! The things he is writing about are just what I need to be hearing and thinking about as I am going on my soul search. I am taking notes for a book that is not related to school. Ridiculous, I know, but it's helping.

God is great, mighty, and all knowing. He is the amazing creator of all things that are. :)

We are just lucky enough to be in His story.

Two is Better Than One

Gotta love Boys Like Girls & Taylor Swift!!

"So maybe it's true

That I can't live without you

And maybe two is better than one"

I couldn't have said it better! This is mine and Tyler's song. It's so cliche, but sadly I am an extremely cliche person. I don't mind, but most people do. Like I care. haha

I miss Tyler, but I know all of this is just God testing us. God is an amazing tester. He is constantly testing me, Tyler, our relationship, even you. I am honestly thankful He loves to test us so much. I helps me realize that God will never put me in a situation that I can't handle and that I am never alone. He is always beside me. And if He isn't beside me, He is holding me up. God is awesome and mighty. He is what every father should aspire to be. Always there for all of His children, unconditionally loving them, teaching them lessons, and healing them.

I found a quote on www.quotegarden.com earlier that I felt really applies to mine and Tyler's relationship at this moment:

Sometimes it is the person closest to us who must travel the furthest distance to be our friend.  ~Robert Brault

Tyler is the person closest and dearest to my heart. He now lives 2 hours away from me now. I don't mind the drive, but I mind the wait. I am the person that the whole way to go see I am in the car speeding as fast as I can down the highway, singing at the top of my lungs, and have the biggest smile on my face. I take my last exit and I am literally jumping up and down in my seat. I get nervous, start sweating, my smile gets bigger, and my singing gets louder. The people of Irving, Texas probably think I am a FREAK. I just love my boyfriend. He means the world to me. This separation is sure to be difficult, but the day we are living in the same city again...that's when it will all be worth it.

I am trusting in God that my life continues to be full of happiness and joy. I pray that it is with Tyler, too, but I know God has plans bigger than me, Tyler, and you. Like I said God is MIGHTY!

May God bless your life abundantly like He has for me! 

:)

When Life Hands You Lemons...Say God Bless

I have gotten into a horrible habit of saying, "My life is a joke." Or, "Welcome to My Life is a Joke Club where our motto is: God laughed when He created us." I can only imagine how God must feel when He hears me say something like that. I sound like an unappreciative, spoiled brat. Maybe I am. I am spoiled by the Grace of God, and I take for granted a lot. So I dislocated my shoulder reaching for a box at work...I'm sure in a few months I will laugh about it, but God caused me to get hurt for some reason. Maybe it's because I do sound very unappreciative and He's using my injury to open my eyes to that.

I started reading a book that Kim gave me for being in her wedding. The book is A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller. This book is a MUST READ & I am only on Chapter 4!!! This book has got me really thinking.

"The saddest thing about life is you don't remember half of it. You don't even remember half of half of it. Not even a tiny percentage, if you want to know the truth."

How incredibly insane is that? So I got to thinking about everything I could remember from the last 20 years of my life. I remember celebrations, awards, major competitions, and the big, negative events. I remember my 13th birthday because my mom rented a hotel room for my friends and I. I also remember it because there was an indoor pool so we could go swimming and guess who started her period for the first time ever the day before the party and had to sit on the side all night...talk about traumatic. I remember my parents separating, the divorce, the 32 other weddings & divorces. I remember the last time I heard my dad's voice...he was yelling at me, and telling me how awful of a daughter I am. I remember the first time Tyler met my dad...he's the only boyfriend who's ever met him, and it was also the only birthday my dad had come home for in 5 years. I remember being at the airport every time to send Dad off, and having to stand there and not cry for Dana and RE, but behind my closed door later that day...bawling like a baby. I remember my 16th birthday being really difficult because Todd flew out for the first time that day. I remember all the cheer-tryouts and every epic fail. I remember sitting in the cold doctors office cringing after every word he spoke, my senior year, when he told me I should quit tennis before I tear my knee up to where it can't be fixed. I remember after every tournament having the biggest smile on my face from success, but dying inside because of the pain. I remember the day I turned down my scholarship to go to Kansas and play. I remember every breakup, my first kiss, my first date, the night I met Tyler, and the night I fell in love with him.

"Life has a peculiar feel when you look back on it that it doesn't have when you're actually living it."

As stood to the side and looked at all of these events and more...I realized that those events, no matter how traumatic, made me the strong, beautiful person I am today. Without those events, I would never have come to know God or been baptized with Kaylee, who is not only my best friend but in June 1999 became my sister in Christ. I wouldn't have matured so quickly or helped my mom  raise my sister and brother. If I had accepted that scholarship to go to Kansas to play tennis like I'd been dreaming about for years, I wouldn't have been at George's Bar & Restaurant on Thursday, November 19th, 2009 at 7:00 P.M. and met the man of dreams. I am so thankful God does these, "my life is a joke," moments to me because later on in life I am usually able to appreciate them more.

"You get a feeling when you look back on life that that's all God really wants from us, to live inside a body he made and enjoy the story and bond with us through the experience."

I am eternally thankful for all God has blessed me with. I have a mom, sister, and brother that love me and I adore as well, a few best friends that are there for me a the drop of a hat, a boyfriend that cherishes me, and a God that is so forgiving. I am working on forgiving some key people in my life right now. The main one I am having a hard time with is, you guessed it, Daddy. I forgive him, but I don't have the guts to tell him, and I can't forget all the wrong he's done. But God wants me to forgive Dad like God forgives me. Forgive, completely forget all the wrong & sins, and renew the trust. I'm working on it because I want to laugh at that event that I remember in 15 years from now.

But from now on, no more...."My Life is a Joke" cards because my life is not a joke but a mere concoction that the Lord has made and I should be thankful for it. :)

West, Texas: 43 Miles

PRAISE GOD!!!!! 

Guess who was able to take her internship...yes sirry Bob, that would be me! As of August 28th, I will the official intern for Children's Ministry at West Fist Baptist Church and I will have a Sunday School Class of 4 & 5 year olds. I will have a co-teacher in there since this is all new to me. But I don't care I'm just super excited!!


I'm kind of nervous because I don't really know many people at this church. Thankfully God blessed me with an outgoing personality so it won't be long until we all know each other. I can't wait to help Kim and work with her more closely than we have in the past. This woman is so gifted, strong, and loving. Who wouldn't want to work with her? (there were entirely too many "w's" used in that last sentence btw.)

I know God will do so many amazing things in my life with this internship and I am so excited to see how it all plays out. There is going to be a lot of sacrifices I will have to make, but I realize this and I know God won't hand me anything I can't handle.

Through Him all things are possible. If God is with me then who can be against me?

The weekend I start this internship is the weekend Tyler moves back to Dallas. So I sadly will not be apart of the move, but I know this is all in God's plan. Maybe God is giving me this internship to distract me from the emptiness and loneliness I am sure to face after Tyler leaves.

This last year and a half we have spent together has been amazing...difficult at some points...but truly a blessing in my life. I know that God will continue to bless us once we are two hours apart. God has a wonderful plan for us...I'm excited to see it unfold as well. This move is just another test that our relationship has to go through. As long as we are in it together, with God, our relationship will see no boundaries.

"True happiness is not found in any other reward than that of being united with God." -Thomas Merton


:)

In Need of That Pink Bubble

I am a Mary Kay Independent Beauty Consultant! And I absolutely LOVE my job. This is why I love everything about this company:

1. Mary Kay Ash advised us to put God first, family second, then our career. How many companies do you know advise you to put your family & God first? I can't think of a single one!!
2. This company is obviously based on Christian values- the best thing about that is I get to work with amazing Christian men and women.
3. I can work when I want and set my own schedule.
4. I get to pocket 50% of my sales...immediately.
5. What girl doesn't like to play with makeup?!

The women I have met in this company are some of the strongest, most gorgeous, faithful women I know. These women aren't just beautiful on the outside but the inside too. I love and respect them more than they know. I am completely amazed at how successful they are, and most of, so quickly. I aspire to be like them.

Unfortunately because of current job I am unable to make it to most of our weekly meetings for my unit, The Rising Stars, and schedule parties, facials, or makeovers. I miss being in "The Pink Bubble." I am one of the youngest in my unit, but they never make me feel as if I am. I am working on getting a new job so I can get back in the game, and be around all these gorgeous ladies!! Oh and I love the extra cash flow...if you know what I mean! ;)

So if you need makeup, a facial, a makeover, or want a reason for a party contact me! :) My website is...www.marykay.com/kjohnston41113

"Dare to risk public criticism." -Mary Kay Ash

Is she not gorgeous?! :)

I Am Loved!

"He is jealous for me, Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy. When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory, And I realize just how beautiful You are, And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so Oh how He loves us, How He loves us so
He loves us, Oh how He loves us, Oh how He loves us, Oh how He loves.
We are His portion and He is our prize Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking So Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss And my heart turns violently inside of my chest I don't have time to maintain these regrets When I think about the way
And oh, how He loves us oh Oh how He loves us, How He loves us so
Yeah, He loves us, Oh how He loves us, Oh how He loves us, Oh how He loves."
-David Crowder Band     the lyrics were copy & pasted from http://www.onlylyrics.com/hits.php?grid=11&id=1034792 and at this website you can find the video too!


This song is so amazing, and it's so relative to the mess going on in my life. No matter what, no matter how bad the storm, how distant I've been, God loves me! 


This morning Kaylee, Makenzie, and I went to church at UBC. We pulled in the parking lot at 10 am, and nearly bailed because of the lack of cars in the parking lot and college aged students. God really wanted me to be there and hear that message though this morning. And I am so thankful we didn't bail.


Now we have all heard the story of Joseph with the colorful robe whose father adored him more than his older brothers. I had always looked at the story as sibling rivalry. This morning we approached the story differently. We looked at it from the other brothers's perspectives on how their father loved the Joseph more, and sort of neglected the others.


A child without a father's love is often a hurt, destroyed child. Why just the dad? Why not the mom? Because the mother bares us for nine months and gives birth to us. We know who she is, but fathers conceive us and can walk away before we have a chance to know them. They are a huge part of who we are, and we have the need to know who he is in order to know who we really are. Most issues kids have comes back to the lack of love expressed from the father. We have to remember that we are loved! And that love comes from the greatest Father ever!


As I was listening to the sermon this morning it was as if a light bulb went off in my head...I don't know who I am because I have never had that close relationship with my dad. Until recently I knew in the back of my head he loved me, but now I have every doubt in my mind that he does love me. I know it seems crazy...every parent has an unconditional love for their children...I wish I still believed that. In mine and Dana's case, R.E. is Joseph, adored by our father and the world knows it. Although I do not resent my brother for this and neither does Dana. We actually encourage the relationship.


Part of my reason for not knowing who I am, comes from my lack of relationship with my dad. This lack of relationship does not come from me though, mind you. For the last 20.5 years I have worked my butt off to be a daughter that my dad admires and loves and speaks of highly & often. After 20.5 years, I realized that our relationship can go no further if both people aren't willing to put forth as much effort as the other. I got tired of all the excuses, broken promises, and lies a month and a half ago. I stood up to my dad. The man I absolutely adored, for no reason other than every little girl needs to know the love of her daddy, decided I was ungrateful and brainwashed and wanted nothing more to do with me.


I have to remember even though I do not know the love of my earthly father, I still have the chance to know, learn, and grow in the love of my Heavenly Father. My God is so amazing, and truly loves me unconditionally. I am going to read a little deeper into the story of Joseph of course, but in order to find myself I just need to grow spiritually with my God. I don't need my dad to learn who I am. 


I also have the chance to not make the same mistake in my own children's lives. I refuse to allow my children to not know the love of their earthly father, but they will grow deep in the spirit of God as well. My children will know they are loved, and my husband will spend all his time encouraging them, nurturing them, cheering them on, and loving them unconditionally. 


My prayer for all of those in a similar situation as me is this:
May God take the image of an unholy and wreck less father away and replace it with the image of Our Spiritual Father who loves you and is always there for you. Amen.

Coffee is Always Better Over Good Conversation

Let me just state....I LOVE ME SOME KIM ROBERTS-MILLINGTON!!
Kim is a good friend of mine that I met my first semester of college. She attempted with her whole heart to start and keep a college ministry at the church I had grown up in. We took our Sunday School Class out of the church so we could try to get others outside of my church to join. We met every Sunday at IHOP, and attempted to have a bible study. Most Sundays it was just Kim and I so we would literally just talk about life, love, school, our past, our future, God...we covered it all. Kim became my friend & mentor. She inspired me to better myself, and not allow myself to be like my parents.

Kim and I laughed, cried, shared stories, held each other, prayer with and for each other, and just fellowship in God together. After my first semester, Kim didn't have the time or energy with working several other jobs to keep up with a ministry that was unsuccessful. So our weekly meetings, turned into not as often but over coffee or dinner as often as possible. We remained close through texting and facebooking.

In April, Kim got married, and asked me to be apart of her wedding. I was so excited that she wanted me to be apart of her big day. Her life since she got married has been chaotic, as well as mine so we have not seen each other. So yesterday when I received a text from her asking for coffee today, I was ecstatic!

This morning we met at Starbucks and talked for an hour about her life since marriage, being a mom of two kids, how she is adjusting, how they are adjusting, and my life. We had sooooo much to catch up on. Kim also invited me to come intern under her at West First Baptist and be a Sunday School teacher for 4 & 5 year olds. The catch is I have to get a new job. I am more encouraged than ever to find a Monday through Friday job so that I am able to do this. Kim was so excited about the idea of me serving God in that way with her.

My day has been absolutely successful in getting that much closer to figuring out who I am outside of my sister and brother. I am more determined than ever to continue this heart and soul search. It's bringing me closer to my family, friends, God, and even Tyler. Continue praying for me because this is just the beginning of my struggle...R.E. hasn't even his senior year yet.

And This Is Why My Trunk Be Thumpin'

The CD that has been blasting through the speakers of my car the last several days was made by Makenzie! And this is why I love it and what it contains:
Track 1- Hey Soul Sister by Train
Track 2- You Smile by Justin Bieber (on a side note & for the record I'm not a fan of the Biebs, but Kenz is)
Track 3- Super Bass by Nicki Minaj (I can rap this song like no other)
Track 4- Roll With It by Easton Corbin
Track 5- Can't Be Tamed by Miley Cyrus (we can't be tamed)
Track 6- Live Like There's No Tomorrow by Selena Gomez
Track 7- Glad by Tyler Hilton (he's a hottie & that raspy voice gets me every time!)
Track 8- Come Home to Me by The Biebs, again
Track 9- Good Kind by The Wreckers (I love these girls!)
Track 10- Marry Me by Train
Track 11- Common Denominator by, you guessed it, J.B. (lame song title haha)
Track 12- Taking Chances by Celine Dion (although I think this version is by the Cast of Glee)
Track 13- Guinevere by Eli Young Band (this song describes me better than anyone knows)
Track 14- With You by Jessica Simpson
Track 15- Fireworks by Katy Perry
Track 16- So Are You to Me by EastMountainSouth
Track 17- Chances by Five for Fighting
Track 18- Who Says by Selena Gomez (the song that reminds me I AM B-E-A-U-TIFUL)
Track 19- Realize by Colbie Callait
Track 20- Good Life by One Republic

A great mixture of music & my bestie made it...what more could I ask for?!

She is absolutely gorgeous from the inside out & I am so blessed to call her my friend. And my best friend at that. She has been a blessing in disguise from the night I met her until now. I love her to pieces and can't imagine going through life without her. She holds a HUGE place in my heart! :)

I love you, Makenzie! I know you are reading this!! :)

BFFL :)

I Wouldn't Want to be Anybody Else

I had a huge breakthrough on my self discovery this past week. Thursday I began struggling with my relationship with Tyler. I had been seeing that whole day my two best friends being flirted with two obnoxiously cute guys, and them giggling and being happy. I wanted someone to give me attention like that. Now let me reiterate, Tyler gives me lots and lots of attention. The thing I was struggling with that day is watching two new couples falling for each other. I missed the way Tyler and I acted when we first began to date. Kaylee and Makenzie were absolutely amazing. They knew when to ask questions and talk to me, and when to just let me sit in silence.

Thursday night I got a text from Makenzie that said this,
"In order to get anywhere you always have to know that in order to get further in life you have to remember the good times and bad. Because in the end you have to be happy, and sometimes we forget that. We need to create and remember our own happiness so we can pick up the pieces we feel are shattered."

That text alone was truly inspiring to me, and really got me to thinking about my life in general. Although all weekend, I kept struggling with my relationship with Tyler. Trying to decide if I was truly happy, and if I wasn't, if I was willing to fix it or pick up and move on. I mean I'm only 20 years old for goodness sake. Tyler and I met when we were 18. Who meets their life-long partner at 18? I was just so confused. I watch my sister who has never had a boyfriend live such a carefree life, Kaylee who recently broke-up with her boyfriend of two years just make it through life as if that happened years ago, and Makenzie who hadn't been in a relationship in a year and a half living life for herself and her family.

The other thing I was struggling with was some self-esteem issues. I have had them as long as I can remember, but as long as I have been with Tyler I haven't had to worry about them. The last few months as mine and Tyler's relationship had been struggling, I began to have a low self-esteem again. No matter how much makeup I pile on and how long I spend on my hair, I look in the mirror and see the total opposite of who I actually am. Anyone who knows me thinks the is absolutely absurd, I know. Tyler got mad because I was struggling with this. He didn't understand if he was telling me all the time that I am pretty why I would have any doubts that I'm not.

Tyler came home after a long weekend in Dallas with one of his friends last night, and we talked about some things I was struggling with. By the end of the night, I felt like myself again, and I began to feel beautiful again. So this morning on my way to work I'm listening to the cd that Makenzie made for me over the weekend, and Selena Gomez's new song "Who Says" comes blasting through my speakers.
"Who says you're not perfect, Who says you're not worth it...Who says you're not pretty, Who says you're not beautiful."
The biggest smile arrived on my face as I am listening to the lyrics of this song. Why am I concerned with how anyone else views me? They have just as many flaws as me. I should never start doubting my appearance because my relationship isn't going the way I would like. I am gorgeous and if someone can't see that, well who are they to judge...they are just a diamond in the rough too. :)