So as most of you already know I am fasting for 40 days beginning this past Friday, February 3rd. I am fasting from social networking and texting of all persons excluding Tyler. I have chosen those things because I am rather addicted to them. They are the things I do when I am "bored." I have better things I could be doing like cleaning, painting, organizing, spending time with God, but I choose to sit on my fat butt, text people to death, blow up twitter randomly, or stalk people until I know everything about them. Yeah it's a problem!
Even worse is that because I am denying myself time with the Holy Spirit, I am denying myself of a more intimate relationship with my Father. And after all, isn't that what my soul search is all about? Learning more about my Father so that I can learn more about myself? Or have I forgotten about Him and my need for a more intimate relationship, for my own selfish desires?
And if the texts, tweets, and stalking aren't enough to ignore God, I have a HUGE problem with daydreaming. I honestly spend countless hours a day dreaming about my future wedding and children, what kind of house I will live in, car I will drive, if Tyler will be the man I marry, if not what that man might look like, how he might act, what a future church built by me might look like, mine and Tyler's current relationship, and all kinds of useless, not Christ-like junk. If someone could look in my head and see some of the meaningless stuff I think about all day they probably wouldn't think I'm headed down the path to be a minister, much less that I'm a Christian.
I have also gotten quite a bit of a mouth on me within the last year or two. And I'm not just talking about being loud because Lord knows I've always been a loud child. Old habits die hard. And new habits die harder. I have begun, hmmm not really begun because I've been doing this awhile, I have gotten worse about cursing. Cursing because I'm mad, upset, frustrated. Cursing because of the people I am with or around. Cursing just to curse. Those words make me sound ignorant like I am not an intelligent, educated woman, but they also make me sound hypocritical and that I don't have a heart for Christ. I am not trying to be cocky with what I am about to say, but...I am a strong, intelligent, educated, beautiful woman of God, but when I speak those words I am sound just like the inmate who has been in and out of jail his whole life so much so that he did not receive an education.
I am called to be more Christ-like by God, and to do so I must die to my own selfish desires. Doing so is going to be hard. God never said it would be easy. Especially in our society where everything is believed to have an easy way out...and if it doesn't then that easy way out is to give up. God had asked me to do some pretty difficult things before, and if He hadn't I wouldn't think He loved me. God is harsh with me. He never lets me have an easy way out or a get out of jail free card. God is a gracious be-ing, but He is not a pushover. This road is going to be long and hard but at the end of this journey I know I will be well rewarded so I won't try to take any shortcuts because there are none. They are all dead ends. There is a reward at the end of this road, and I intended fully to receive the entire prize not just a portion for good effort.
See you on the flip side! :)
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