And the Truth Comes Out

So I'm not one to lie or tell a story, I won't send you on a quest and then you come to find out, there was no quest. As most of you know, I'm fasting right now. I am also supposed to be reading the book, A Call to Die, by David Nasser along with my 40 day fast. Now my fasting is going pretty well. I have yet to social network...high five. I have text some, but I realized that occasionally I sort of have to but it's definitely not an obsession for me anymore so that's good. Now here comes the truth, although I am doing awesome with my fasting, I actually can't tell you off hand what day I am on because I haven't read in awhile I did great for the first week and a half and then I had an off day and I've never gotten back on track. I haven't picked up the book other than to move it around my house actually since that day. I haven't read or even tried to catch up. I've decided that I'll ride this fast out and when my life gets back to little bit normal pace I'll try the book again. Right now, I can't focus on anything to save my life. I'm not making excuses. I know that I should be doing this fast and sticking to the book but I just can't for some reason right now. I don't think that makes me any less Christian than the others 10-12 girls who are doing this book right now and sticking to it. I just don't do good with chaos. And right now my life is chaos.

Dana and I moved into our house together at the first of January we are still unpacking, painting, organizing, getting bills put in our names, and all that type of stuff. Then there was my 21st in January. And Dana's 20th was 2 weeks later. Tyler was here for Dana's birthday then I went up to Dallas for Valentine's Day. I am also back up to 40 hours a week at work and we have family dinner every Sunday evening. Tyler's 21st is March 6th so I'm going up there the following weekend to be with him. Then my uncle who lives in New York and whom I never see will be home for Easter and Tyler will be meeting him. Oh and my brother graduates from high school in 90 days so I am trying to get his bedroom cleaned out and painted and ready for him. Cool. Now you see the chaos?

That's not even mentioning Tyler's sister Courtney is moving to North Carolina so Tyler is moving in with his parents until he gets a place for himself. In the mean time they have to sell the house Tyler and Courtney have been living in and store all of the furniture in that house somewhere. Tyler quit his job and has to find a new one. He's still taking a class at North Lake so he can finally get his diploma. And his family is planning on taking a trip to see Courtney this summer. Yeah that's a lot to take in. Not to mention I found most of that out plus some in one night. Whew. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

Last month, I also I had to deal with my dad being home on leave. Dana and I become robots during this time, and we are antsy about everything, we bite people's heads off for no reason, and we are nervous wrecks worried we will run into him or he'll come looking for us. Now let me clear something up real quick, my dad has NEVER physically harmed my sister or I. That man however has made two strong, beautiful women hate themselves for who they are. We are better now with the Grace of God and some amazing family and friends. We pray for him daily that he might come to know Christ and see that we don't think we are holier than thou and we are not whores. I have not spoken to him in 9 months and I honestly could care less to hold a conversation with him. I miss my dad very much, but I do not miss being talked to like I am scum. I am worth so much more than that. I had to deal with the hurt and pain of what happened last May again when my dad was back. I broke down crying. I want so badly for my dad to think as highly of me as he once did, but I realize that the reality of that happening is not likely. My dad did not wish me a happy birthday this year and it liked to kill me.

Again and again, it is preached before Dana and I that we are to let God be the only One we seek approval from. That He is to be our Father. And again and again, we say wow that's nice. But we have such a hard time living our lives that way. It's taking us awhile, but I think we are getting through it and we are beginning to live that way. I wake up every morning and thank God I have such an amazing sister to walk by my side. She gives me hope that we are going to be okay and something great is to come of all of this.

Dana and I are so excited to share our home with our little brother. We pray that he will be encouraged by our walks with Christ and he will want to know the Lord more and deepen his walk as well. He is an amazing kid and I am absolutely thrilled to watch God work through him.

I can't wait to restart that book but I know right now is just not good timing for me. I will continue to pray and encourage the other girls but I can not do something that my heart is not completely in. And my heart isn't completely there right now because it's in 90 other places.

Be blessed! :)